between a rock &....!

..Firstly thanks a million in advance to any & all who take time out to reply...it is more appreciated than u will ever know...
I have a couple of questions: from British Columbia Canada..

1.there will be approx. 200,000 when we sell our house( equity/profit)after divorce...how will the lawyers fees be taken out?...her lawyer paid from her share, & likewise mine?...or is it taken jointly from the 200K, before splitting it equally?
2.She wants to move to a job in Texas in 2010, & wants sole custody of our boy now aged 11 yrs, so she can take him...is this possible?... what age is the childs opinion counted?......
3.How long will her alimony pmts last from me...she will probably earn more than me in 2010 & onwards...
4. sole custody does not mean No access (3 to 4times a yr)for me does it?.....& if she must pay for my flights to Texas & back, is this enforced by US/canadian law??
Thanks again in advance!

[randalljd]

almost all of this will be by agreement or failing that by court order

how are these issues being addressed now?

do you have lawyers--are you trying to agree solutions?

Originally Posted by randalljd

almost all of this will be by agreement or failing that by court order

how are these issues being addressed now?

do you have lawyers--are you trying to agree solutions?

..we are still negotiating with each other...b4 we go to family collaborative(?)mediation...where it will be put down in paper...no lawyers yet...she REFUSES to go for counselling...wondering if it will do any good if I go alone?? for conselling...tks for the reply...

HI
If u contest her then u will have to pay her lawyers costs as well. Best thing is to come to an agreement with her about child, house and alimony. U got to decide whether u can really care for the child. Think carefully can u look after him emotionally and physically. Whatever u do dont fight for the child to spite her. Both ur lives are finished but dont ruin the child's life.
Dont ask the child for his opinion. Its hard thing for a child to do. Children dont want to hurt any parent. You are the adult, u need to decide.
If she does not get married again u will have to pay alimony. Everything can be resolved amicably if u are reasonable too. You cant ask her to pay for your tickets to go and see your child....no court would agree to it. If you want to see your child you got to pay for him to come and visit you or you need to go to visit him.
How long have u been married? Why did your marriage break down?

Originally Posted by Unregistered

HI
If u contest her then u will have to pay her lawyers costs as well. Best thing is to come to an agreement with her about child, house and alimony. U got to decide whether u can really care for the child. Think carefully can u look after him emotionally and physically. Whatever u do dont fight for the child to spite her. Both ur lives are finished but dont ruin the child's life.
Dont ask the child for his opinion. Its hard thing for a child to do. Children dont want to hurt any parent. You are the adult, u need to decide.
If she does not get married again u will have to pay alimony. Everything can be resolved amicably if u are reasonable too. You cant ask her to pay for your tickets to go and see your child....no court would agree to it. If you want to see your child you got to pay for him to come and visit you or you need to go to visit him.
How long have u been married? Why did your marriage break down?

..tks for that!..Im not fighting for the child, hes best off with her(with me having access of course) since shes the stay at home mom for so long, but the sticky point is she wants to move away with him in 2010/11......married for 15 years....heres a timeline, from when it all went sour....we both wanted a larger house (2002)(mainly as an investment)..but we both agreed that she would have to work also, to pay the extra bills for the larger mortgage..which she did but only after 3.5 years of ownership which really put a stress on our finances/relationship..after starting work(first time in her life, at age 36!!) she paid off her student loan in 1 yrs time...& then opened her own acct & would direct deposit her salary into it, saying she needed it for further studies, much to my objections, as we are still living from paycheck to paycheck as b4....she really resents the fact that she has to work, saying its the husbands job to provide!...& ever since she did start work, her attitude towards me changed drastically, & it was all downhill from then on,... she is now starting 2.5 yrs of further studies(medical line), after which she already has a job lined up in Houston Tx, where her brother & sister live, & she wants to move there with our boy(she has already brain-washed him into coming with her in 2010/11) & now we are basically back to square one on the financial front ...which brings us to the present...& a couple of queries.
1...she will earn more than me after her studies, so do I still pay alimony?..or is it the other way around?
2...if she does end up having to pay me, is there a cross-border(US/Canada), agreement/enforcement in place?
3...she basically wants sole custody of our boy, so she can take him to Tx, in 2010/11...this is what we will end up in court fighting about...she says she will agree to everything else according to formula(alimony, child support etc)(...I would like joint custody or 60/40 split, but NOT sole custody to her since she can then cross the border easily...or can she?...& deny/inconvenience me access to the child),..so when we hire separate lawyers for the custody issue how are they going to be paid?...since theres no hard cash available now, only equity in the home, which we will end up selling...so do they get paid after we split the profit(she pays her lawyer & me mine?)..Thanks a lot in advance..for any replies.

-If your wife is amenable to a formula settlement,its because she is, either extremely decent or,she hasnt realised what a disadvantage you are at.
Reality is ...the vast majority of Men still lose in court..and lose badly.It would be cheaper for you to just handover 70% of your assets,rather than contest.If you do so you will be liable for BOTH attorneys Costs(and unlike your assets, Sky is the limit for Attorney's fees)
Added to the gender disadvantage, In all my years of practise ,I have never seen a stay at home Mother(with a long term marriage) lose...ever.Her paying off her student loan in One year,(I took Five to pay my law school loan)and other efforts to improve herself at age 36 ,will strike the court as admirable and you as unsymphathetic..
1)You will not have to pay alimony after she finishes her studies ,at least not long after (till she gets on her feet). The rationale for alimony is to help the disadvantaged party get back on par with the earning spouse,so you will not be entitled to any alimony either down the road)
2)see point one
3)Covered the lawyers fees..Bear in mind you can end up in debt long after your house is sold,with your future earnings/assets going to the lawyer/s.You do not want primary residence unless you can look after the childs emotional and physical needs,day to day schedule,appropriate meals,pick up .drop off,school .PTA, sports,extra curricular activities,medical, dental appointments,play dates,clothes ,shopping,groceries,on a day to day basis.
Convince her to give you joint Custody,with joint guardianship
Try it.Be Calm and courteous.You will be surprised how well women respond to being treated nicely and respectfully.
-Do not be driven by Pettiness,Anger,Revenge ,Greed and Spite.it is in YOUR best interest to do EVERYTHING in your power to help your Wife get back on her feet as soon as possible,the better her earning capacity the less spousal support you have to cough up.
-Keep the best interest of the child in mind.Do not fight,badmouth your spouse ,raise your voice in front of him.You must love him more than you hate your Wife.
All the Best

..thanks a million for the reply....those were some good points.......her loan was 20K(as opposed to a law school loan) which she could pay off 'cos we were living off of my income, & she earned 50k each of those 2 yrs she worked...the house is in both our names, so wo'nt each have to pay our own lawyers, after we split the equity?..
...she WANTS sole custody...& thats what the case will be about...so she can get a job in the US & take the kid with her after her 2.5 yrs of further study....so what are my chances of joint custody?
...we ONLY bought the house 'cos she agreed she would work to pay the larger mtg....cashiers job...no talk of going back to school...dragged her feet for 3.5 yrs b4 finishing her school....
Anyhow, I fully expect the worse for me.....heard that from many colleagues!...I have always been decent with her...no abuse...NOTHING...so i'm still scratching my head wondering what went wrong & mainly WHY she will not go for marriage counselling with me...have;nt got an answer to that one yet...

...she WANTS sole custody....so what are my chances of joint custody?

-Your chances of Sole Custody are excellent...If you move swiftly before youre wife realises how precarious your position really is.
Single parenting is really hard and nobody really wants to bear this heavy burden by themself.
Convince her that it is in her best interest and the Childs best interest that she gives you joint custody.Make a list of things you would do for the Child.Write down a list of her fears and concerns(ask her what they are without getting defensive) about your parenting skills if she has any and promise to address those effectively.,even if you disagree.Then stick to your word,scrupulously.

so wo'nt each have to pay our own lawyers, after we split the equity?..

What part of BC are you in? No Decent lawyer will work on contingency,most require a retainer$5000 to $8000.If you contest and go to court you will end up paying her costs as well.

-The courts take the childs wishes into account based on various factors,age ,competence,maturity etc.If i understand correctly the main bone of contention is moving to The States in 2011??If he is 14 to 15,his wishes will almost certainly take precedence.....In any case he will be off to college by age 16 to 17 so are you falling on your sword for one year???
Boys tend to be fiercely loyal to and unconditionally protective of their mothers,so here too you are at a disadvantage.

Again refer to my previous post and conduct yourself accordingly.Very critical !!!I have seen many amicable arrangements destroyed by bad behaviour.Many Men do not realise that although they are not physically abusive,Yelling,screaming,intimidation,belittling of spouse/s,verbal abuse,are considered as bad by the courts,and will cause your spouse to feel she has no option ,but to eviscerate you!!
Concentrate on the Childs well being above all,and you will be ok

Correction

Should read Chances of Joint Custody are excellent(Not Sole)
All the best

Originally Posted by Unregistered

..Firstly thanks a million in advance to any & all who take time out to reply...it is more appreciated than u will ever know...
I have a couple of questions: from British Columbia Canada..

1.there will be approx. 200,000 when we sell our house( equity/profit)after divorce...how will the lawyers fees be taken out?...her lawyer paid from her share, & likewise mine?...or is it taken jointly from the 200K, before splitting it equally?
2.She wants to move to a job in Texas in 2010, & wants sole custody of our boy now aged 11 yrs, so she can take him...is this possible?... what age is the childs opinion counted?......
3.How long will her alimony pmts last from me...she will probably earn more than me in 2010 & onwards...
4. sole custody does not mean No access (3 to 4times a yr)for me does it?.....& if she must pay for my flights to Texas & back, is this enforced by US/canadian law??
Thanks again in advance!

Youre marriage is falling apart and all you can think of is getting your wife to pay for YOUR flights to see your own son????
Easy to see why she wants to run away from you ,you seem like a nasty, abusive, soulless,greedy,money grubbing control freak!!