have to give up custody of adopted child

[stressed]

I am new to this site. Does anyone have any kind, constructive advice on unadopting a child. we adopted her from Ukraine. We never formally had any court case or anything here in the U.S. I would like any advice thanks, Stressed

"Un" adopt? Please elaborate.

I am going through the same situation with an adopted child age 13 with severe RAD I am not going to repeate all the same stories that everyone else has because lets face it these children are all the same! They lie and cheat and generally ruin any life they come in contact with. Her is my question, I was told by Children and Families that if you give back one adopted child and there are more adopted children in the house they will be removed as well. Is this true?????

It's unlikely anyone who wishes to rid themselves of a child in desperate need of love, understanding, security and comfort, all of which the child was deprived of, which in turn resulted in causing their behavioral and emotional problems, will garner any kind, sympathetic words of advice.

Adopting is a serious undertaking and children do not come with "good" or "bad" stamped on them. If you cannot take the bad with the good, don't adopt.

These poor children had the misfortune to be taken from one bad adult environment only to be placed in another.

Do I understand completely. Before adopting these kids I would have been judgmental about people who were considering terminating their parental rights. I have 2 adopted kids who are now 12 and 14.and their behaviors are so terrible. They were 7 and 8 when they were adopted from Russia. I have a bio son who is successful and was a joy to raise.. I have a graduate degree and my ex is a lawyer. These kids broke up our 30 year marriage. They put us both through hell and they still do so. They set fires, steal, lie, curse and destroy our possessions. We have joint custody and right now I'm about ready to give up my rights completely. He probably feels the same way much of the time..

My husband and I adopted a little girl from a Chinese orphanage through a very reputable international adoption agency in 2005. The little girl had been in the orphanage for 9 months when we got her. She had absolutely no muscle tone to speak of except in her arms where she would lift herself up, I presume, to gaze over the crib.
Before getting this little girl, we had not been able to conceive and had been married 14 years the time we got this little girl. The only preparation we had by our adoption agency to be prepared to take on a child who has been through (as we know now) severe neglect and sensory deprivation was a two day 'parenting' class by the agency where they played some videos about interracial adoption (since we are Caucasian) and had us talk about touchy feely stuff about how we would feel with a child that did not look like us. Not once did they say the words 'attachment disorder, reactive attachment disorder' or discuss what potential issues there might be from the abuse and/or neglect that our child might have suffered before she came into our household. So much for the critical people on this board who have been saying 'the adoption agencies are so full of support for the parents' - that is the biggest myth that is complained about by every adoptive parent that I've run into during the last years that I've had my daughter on the HUGE attachment boards on yahoo with people who had adopted kids with RAD and other attending issues (autism spectrum problems - my girl has this as well). I have only recently become aware of what the real situation for my girl probably was by reading Kay Bratt's book SILENT TEARS about her experience volunteering as an american in a chinese orphanage. The photo ops the gov't gives you of a nice little crib with a toy and the child dressed up are apparently just that.
From the time I got my girl she would not look into my eyes when I bottle fed her - she would hold her left foot in her left hand so she could look at it rather than at me, her mom that was trying to give her love and affection. When she did give eye contact it was (and still primarily remains, though we encourage her and give her praise when she does give us it when we ask for it) on her terms. Since we have been to various doctors, a naturopath, and several therapists, people have been divided on whether or not she really is autistic since RAD presents many of the same symptoms.
From the time my daughter was 15 months old, a month after she began to walk, she began to exhibit rages at me over nothing, from out of left field, and would rage anywhere from 15 minutes up to two hours. This was daily from then on. She would also slap furniture, us, herself, the dog, scratch/bite/goudge herself and us (if she got the opportunity) etc. I was very discouraged since the 13 families we had gone to China with didn't seem to be experiencing the issues we were having with our girl, at least not to the degree that we were having. Some were having children having rages, however. By the time my girl was 2 going on three and so many family and friends just kept brushing off her abusive behavior (to herself and us) as 'terrible twos/terrible threes coming on' I started reading about post adoption depression on the net and figured I was suffering from it. I remember even at my last home visit from my agency the worker saw my daughter throwing mini fits on the floor and not listening to me or her and never once said - hey, you know, your daughter might be having some issues with attachment. There are some therapists you might want to get in touch with, etc. Finally, I found the post adoption depression group on yahoo and the ladies there read my posts about my daughter's behaviors - hypervigilance, not wanting to sleep at night - throwing fits and ripping her clothing off, threatening to urinate her anger out instead of staying in bed, etc. And being a complete control freak, and all the harmful behaviors she was engaging in. They suggested to me that she had RAD and so we went and did research and it seemed to fit. So we found an attachment therapist trained by Deborah Gray of ATTACHING IN ADOPTION fame and her advice was to 'keep her in the box' by having her sit in time out and doing therapeutic holding on her if she wasn't willing to sit in time out until she did the time out. I did this for MONTHS and there was some improvement, but not much. Then Christmas came and the ripping off clothing started in again. And the more self injurious behavior (shortly after the 3rd birthday) . So back to the therapist who just constantly complained about my daughter's 'terrible' eye contact and told me and my husband we were 'lazy' parents for not being consistent enough about the time outs and holding - easier said than done when you have a toddler going into disassociation and fight/flight/freeze when you are trying to get them to do a time out and doing holding. Well, I got fed up with the holding and started looking for other options since I saw that clearly my girl wasn't better doing this - at least not where I thought any healing was going on for her. So I went to the naturopath next and he put her on supplements, did heavy metal tests and tested her neurotransmitters, etc. (which were completely off the scale). His supplements helped but she still was having a lot of negative stuff and making us feel burned out and resentful. So finally we heard about neurological reorganization done through a place in the northwest US that is basically the same program done by the Institutes in philadelphia that Temple FAy and Glenn Doman started - making the kid do all their baby stuff to help the brain rewire/repair any holes/damage from the neglect/abuse that they went through in the orphanage. We have now been at that for almost 19 months. My girl is a lot better but still has poor eye contact and still lies like it's breathing - but at least the self injurious behaviors for the most part has stopped and she actually does act respectful and kind off and on. She still has fits but they only last mostly for 15-20 - she's only had occasional ones that have lasted longer than that. I still believe she has autism issues though one ped doesn't want to give her THAT diagnosis - diagnosed her as severe ADHD and then has the gall to send us a parenting flyer for an autism parenting class out of town on a work night. So she won't approve our girl for the 'autism' diagnosis to get the gov't help but wants us to take the class and pay for it. AND we have had to pay for all the therapy and nutritional/other stuff because our HMO doesn't consider RAD a real 'mental health' issue though millions of adoptive parents can tell otherwise.
I too would have been completely unconvinced that children like this exist in the world from all my years of helping babysit my nephews and nieces and being around kids that did not have RAD my whole life. I would never have thought that a little kid would act like a extremely rebellious, defiant, angry teenager and been on the road to becoming a sociopath. I know I have been told by a therapist who did respite with RAD teens that if they don't get help/healed they either get diagnosed as a sociopath or with BPD as adults. It's a real thing and for those who don't live with one of these kids, there is no way you can know what it's like - their targets are their parents, particularly the mother, and they can be completely charming and fool every one else around them. My daughter for as little as she is is a masterful triangulator and has oftentimes gotten people in the family to try and be angry at me, and until she was diagnosed and we all realized she had mental illness pathology going on she was brilliant at it. It's really a compulsion - not a 'moral' choice these children have because they literally have brain damage which is causing it - but it still is extremely exhausting, disheartening and rough for the parents who have a child with these issues handed to them - and again, we asked for a 'healthy' child; and while I love and care for my daughter, I fear even though she's better that she will ever really be healed, that she will ever really be able to take care of herself; and all the things people have listed as going on with their older adopted children with RAD I fear all the time that that is the road or future that she might have. I pray that it is not - I pray that the Temple Fay work will get her where she can lead a normal, happy life - it's a total pain in the backside to do every day, but certainly preferable to living on pharmaceuticals - and those which we have tried (limited) have just made her worse and that's been the case for a lot of parents at least of the little chinese kids I have run into that have this issue have told us.
There have been times when I have worried that my marriage, which I thought was great, was going to break up over the stress of having this little emotionally disturbed child in our household. Again, unless you walk in an adoptive parents' shoes that has a RAD child, you have absolutely no idea of the hell it can be. I would absolutely feel like dying inside if I have to relinquish my child down the road, but at the same time, if she ever becomes an extreme danger to us or to herself we might have to consider that. You have to do what you can to keep your family safe and sane. No adoption agency discloses this - at least not mine. That is why dr. karyn Purvis, author of The Connected Child, was quoted in that Newsweek article about RAD "When Adoption Goes Wrong' as saying she thinks there needs to be federal legislation requiring adoption agencies to disclose this so parents and children go into the situation with full education and disclosure. I also know that my adoption agency has turned a cold shoulder to the parents who have gotten a little RAD child through them when the parents who are busting their buns to get the kid well and spending beaucoup bucks out of their own pocket for therapy, etc. and have tried to get RAD disclosure as part of their parenting education. I frankly think it's because the bottom line is that they exist to get children into homes and do not want to scare people off with the cold reality of RAD and people like us who are handed something which we were neither prepared for or equipped with any resources to deal with are left feeling abandoned by the very people who should have been the 'village' there to help support us. RAD is a SEVERE SPECIAL NEED and people need to have the opportunity to become aware of the potential risk of facing that in an adoption.

This goes on with natural parents as well. It's not exclusive to adoption.

People who adopt should already be cognizant of the fact that these children have gone through some emotional and perhaps even physical trauma in their lives or they would not be up for adoption.

That said, international adoption is not the same as adoption in the states. Many times, children who are in these orphanages have been stolen from the parents.

Your child sounds like she has autism, coupled with some other brain disorder.

Adoption is a very serious undertaking, and, as with having children of one's own, you have to take the good with the bad. If adopted children were your own natural children, would you anymore give up on them or "un"adopt them? Why are adopted kids more dispensable than naturally conceived ones?

This process is called disruption of adoption. You need to see a lawyer but I would suggest you seek medical advice and also speak with your adoption agency. They may be able to help you find a waiting family that is willing and able to take on your child's issues. There are no guarantees in adoption or in bio parenting for that matter. When we adopted our son we educated ourselves on all the possibilities that come, good and bad, with adopting. You cannot control what happened before you came into the life of the child but you can provide them with the medical, therapeutic opportunities they need. And if you are not the family to do that, please try to help them find the family that is. My son has rage and ADHD issues and is VERY trying to us but we are trying hard to find all the possible answers to help him control the problems better and grow to be a happy, productive person. Best of luck to all parents!

[130smartchick]

My husband and I adopted a baby, all we really knew was biomom smoked pot when pregnant.

Our daughter, now 10.5, has *severe* issues. She's been dx'd with ODD and bipolar but we're not done yet. I can't list her behaviors, too embarassing frankly.

Our son is 15. He's autistic. He's also always been a big boy (currently 6'2 and 250 lbs) and so he's a real threat in a meltdown. His perseverations and other behaviors have planned our lives. I'll do anything to avoid a meltdown....

Yet never, not once, did we ever think hey, let's ship them off - we're exhaustd physically, financially, and emotionally and geez that's so unfair.

Frankly, not sure what I'd do with a couple of quiet, rosy-cheeked, yes mommy kind of kids.....that would be disturbing.

I completely agree with those of you who are hurting right now. Wounded children are extremely hard to handle. I have had over ten thousand dollars of damage done to my home, feces wiped on curtains, carpet, animals, toothbrushes...! Urine has been found on carpet, next to the toilet, on the wall, curtains, in the closet...! Until you have lived with adopted children, don't judge. I have friends who have adopted children that are doing great. Four out of my six adopted children are doing fantastic. You do not know everything when you adopt these poor kiddos. Four of my children fear for their lives on a regular basis. We have alarms on bedroom doors so one of the kids can't get up to hurt the other kids. I have spent over $125,000.00 trying to help these kids. I have loved them when they threatened our lives, I have helped them clean the messes they have made with bodily fluid. I have fought for them to get the academic accommodations for them to learn. Please do not sit in judgment until you have walked in our shoes.