have to give up custody of adopted child

[tbyte]

It is ridiculous that you have been denied assistance for the child. That is the real shame here.

I am in a similar situation a year ago I was a blushing bride to the most wonderful man who was widowed to three adopted children. I was so optimistic that I would be a positive influence in their lives and could turn them around. One of the children I was most focused on from the bottom of my heart wanted to get through to so badly I was so sure I would be the one that could show him the light, but I failed him. I thought that he was just mislead and with enough confidence and support that he could turn out to be a good kid unlike his older brother who had already made the decision to live the life of a criminal...I didn't want to give-up on this kid. I wanted to save him from making that same mistake because once people have written you off as a hopeless case it is a real lonely place when no one is there to believe in you anymore; and pretty hard to ever earn the respect to believe in yourself again. It breaks my heart that I can't fix whatever chemical imbalance he has that makes him so unremorseful and completely unable to accept responsibility for his actions. He was diagnosed as having the same exact mental illness as Lizzie Borden. He truly is a sociopath. After a very long hard rocky road of CPS and constant police visits to our home for his behavior he was placed in juvenile detention and then transferred to a boy's ranch one of many facilities we have tried to place him but he has failed to comply or participate in programs ultimately having him discharged as unmanageable. We have been in and out of court over this boy even had to fold a 35 yr old business due to all the attention this 15yr old needed we were unable to live a regular life cause we had to constantly supervise him like a warden. I have a 6yr old of my own and the other adopted boy was 9 that these behaviors started to wear off on them as well. I finally realized that you can't make someone help themselves when they don't want it. Until you live with a child like this you can never truly grasp what it is like. Constantly worried he may molest or do harm to yours or anyone else's child always looking of your shoulder and at the same time not wanting to even think that he was actually capable of the things he had done in the past. I had gotten to a place where I really feared for my life or what he would do next. That was when he was arrested after physically attacking my husband he had no choice to press charges just so he could be removed from our home. During this period he had been gone I had gotten pregnant and had a new baby girl. Now he is up to be released and we refuse to let him come back to our home in protection of our new family being seriously disrupted I can't go through that stress again I nearly had a nervous breakdown the first time around. CPS is on my door step again saying we have to place him somewhere or he will have to place back in our home because we are legally responsible for him until he is 18. Tell me how messed up that is? Placing him back in our home where he could harm our children I thought that CPS was to protect children? We have run out of places for him to go nor do we have the resources considering neither of us has been able to find employment because of all his fiasco. What are we to do? Where can you safely place a sociopath in good conscience? Is it possible to give up custody of an adopted child when you have done all you can short of committing yourself?

Call a lawyer...really try an adoption lawyer and tell him or her that you want to petition the court to terminate your rights. Your other option is not to let him back into your home and then the state will have to take custody of him. That of course puts your other children in jeopardy of the state being involved. It is possible to relinquish rights to him. I am going through it now. I do however have someone to adopt her which is what the court wants. I still think that you have the right to go to a lawyer and try to terminate your rights.

Good luck!!!!

our adopted daughter, age 11 when we took her in, is now 21 and has resorted back to living the life she witnessed b/f we got her! we are a hard working family with 3 bio children who work as hard as we do for what they want. she does not. she manipulates and uses people and is now pregnant , living with one of the boyfriend's family members. She moved out at age 19 b/c she did not like our rules we are mortified by this behavior. we have warned our immediate family members not to offer handouts. what else do we have a legal right to do here? we believe she suffers from detachment disorder. she was in therapy several times while a teenager but she learned what to say to convince the therapists that she was healthy. i am sorry to say that we could never recommend adopting an older child from the "system" due to our experience. any insight out there?

Originally Posted by tbyte Had I made a promise to a child, I would keep the promise.

Yeah you might not understand how I could abandon al child with this email address...but for your information..... Information was withheld from us from the beginning. This child had disrupted many foster home. She has now ran away, was cutting herself, lies of us beating her, steals from us. Was conning people of money telling them we didn't give her lunch money. 13 YEARS OLD HAVING SEX. We allowed her back home and she OD'd because she didn't want the rules. She has pulled knives on her bio brother. She would put nasty bloody tampons in the carpet to dry to retaliate. Now you think you can handle that. I bet not!!!! We were told she was a sweet perfect child that was fine and had no problems...the freakin system lied to us to get the little trouble maker out of their hair. Now you want her. I will help you get her, but it will be about a year until she gets out of the psych ward. Keep your freakin mouth shut until you got the facts!!!!

There are so many children in the system so if people think they can do a better job than they should adopt them. Just wait until the kid smears feces all over their walls, attacks them for no reason, urinates on everything and tries to poison other members of the family and that is just a small taste of what can happen. The system withholds information and these things happen no matter how loving you are. Good luck.

I too am in a situation where I must "give up" one of my adopted Russian kids- She is severely autistic and RAD- in four years, no doctor has been able to find a med that works for more than a month- as she is non-verbal at 15 years old, her meltdowns are unexplained and can last up to three hours. She has split my lip several times- given me black eyes and bit until drawing blood. She has unbelted herself in the car on the Autobahn (we lived in Germany) and reached forward to gouge my eyes- and thankfully we were not killed in an accident!

Those of you who judge have NO IDEA of how horrible it is and how very much you love your child- even when s/he is killing you. I have lost a marriage due to my younger daughter. It was too much to handle for my ex- but I couldn't abandon this adopted child?
I have been out on the roof of our second floor home in the pouring rain trying to bring my daughter in from safely at 3 am. Every window in my home is now lockable (with a KEY!), my doors all sound alarmed- her room stripped of carpet, replaced by washable linoleum. Her walls are washable too as she feces smears.She has ripped her chest of drawers apart and turned it to kindling. All stuffed animals are torn to shreds as well as books.
Her Russian born sister lives in fear of her as she has also been her victim. Sadly, that sister also has RAD, though it is to a much lesser degree. Compared to her little sister, she seems almost normal.

Giving up your adopted child is not what ANY person wants to do- but when it becomes that or living the rest of one's life in Hell- as well as subjecting another sibling to it- it is the only salvation.

[abused by DCS]

I don't understand how people can present themselves as fit to judge others when they have no idea of what others are going through. Mental illness is not an individual issue or something that you can fit into your schedule. It consumes not only the parents but the entire family. My brother was diagnosed as paranoid schizophernic(excuse the spelling) we have dealt with his illness for almost 20 years and when I say we have dealt with it I mean my family and I. You have to stand between the one you love and the police with guns drawn who would rather shoot out of fear and at the same time watch your back because your own might do you harm. You have to watch your elderly mother close and lock her bedroom door at night and then struggle to push the dresser up against the door hoping that if he snaps while shes asleep the movement of the furniture would awaken her so that she can grab her pistol to defend herself AGAINST HER OWN SON!! You should apologize for your judgement of this person because you truly don't have a clue as to what they are going through.

I do feel the pain that some of you are having with your adoptive children I am in the same boat. My mother was foster parent and she then adopted 3 siblings in 6years ago our mother pass away,so my husband turn around and adopted the two younger children. The boy is maginificient when he moved in with us he really could not soundthe alphabets but now he is graduating from middle school A B honor roll. The girl has had dfcs in our home three times, she has accused us of child abuse she haas beat her older ( who is graduating from middle school) with pots and pans and dfcs thought it was me, we had two clinical people come to hour home to do counseling she sliced our walls wwith a kitchen knife, she planned out how she was going to kill everyone in my family that includes my biological children ages at the time (3 and 2) we sent her away 3 timesand finally she call the police on my husband and told the 911 dispatcher that she had beaten,stump,and stap they sent the police to our home and pulled a gun on my husband in front of our children she busted out 1 of her bedroom windows, she wriiten threaten marks on the wall she sexually assulted my two children and daycare children so we fianlly was told to go to the court by the officer and file unriuly charges against her. then she went into a residential home for a little over a year; she came home in Aug she did good for two weeks before she tried to sexually assualt my friend daughter who an and told hr parents what she tried to do. we tried to put her in different school programs we have a team of case workers that cometwo our house three days a week her therapist comes two days a week so mon-thur my housei is full from 3-6 or Tues-friday 3- 8 every week we have family therapy. she goes to repsice and respice adventure 1 weekend out of the month. She doesnt want my husband to tell her what to do she has lied on us at school to her teachers, she has tried to run away twice, failing her classes, and recently she was sent to juevinile for 1 week she is now in a group home. I donot want to go through anymore issues,pain, heartache, she told her case worker that she has been phyically abuse by us again so dfcs will be back for another investigation. I have did all I can do. she has urined in our bed also,stolen money. she went as far to tell her teacher that ourgas and lights has been off, we dont have food to eat. she told on teacher that she didnt have a winter coat. Oh yea she wants me to divorce my husband. so again I truly feel your pain. i cannot affore to loose my other three children because of all these false lies she is telling. It is a scary feeling to know that we have to be investigated for these lies. I have lost daycare parent because of this. so what am I suppose to do. This just a blink of what this child has done it will take a conference,lunch,etc to tell you everything even a book.

I am not an adoptive parent but i have 3 bio kids and 2 step kids. My step son suffers from ptsd ( Post tramatic stress disorder ) resulting from being molested by his mommys friend as well as ODD ( Opposisional Defiance Order ). My step-son tried to rape his bio sister as well as my own daughter the girls were 2 and 4 at the time. We were lucky enough to walk in on him in time to stop it but still had to take his bio sister to the hospital ! My step daughter has sever anger issues as well as ADHD and has given my bio son ( whos the same age ) several black eyes which started when she was just 14 months old they are now 4 and it is the same story.She split my bio daughters eye open so bad she had to get 7 stitches. I lost another daycare because she told her in one of her fits of rage that she was going to get a knife out of the kitchen drawer and slit her throat, called her the bit** word said she was going to cut her eyes out and lick her where she pees ! I know how hard it is to have a child who is violent, pees everywhere to make you mad, bargains w/you to get what he wants and the screaming fits oh my god. There have been nights i sat with their dad and cried because i felt like a failure as a mommy !!! It is a very hard thing to do and the discussion to give up has been enterd inthe convo several times. We have stuck it out but there are days i wish i could just walk away from it. To the parents who have had to give up and walk away I KNOW IT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISIONS TO MAKE IN YOUR LIFE !!!! I thank you for being there for these kids and trying to help !!! For anyone who can slam these parents i would love to see you cleaning pee out of the fridge, your shoes, your bed wherever or finding rotten food hidden throughout your home or discovering that your jewlery or money is gone. It is an awful feeling to know your child has done it and a hard thing to deal with you know its not their fault but at the same time you dont know how to help them ! I think every parent wants to do whatever they can to help their child even if it means walking away !!!!!