Harassed by sons father of child through email

[Slnb73]

My son's father has not been sticking to the custody order. He only asks to get him once and month and that once a month always seems to fall on a holiday. Last month he wanted him and it was both mother's day and my son's birthday. They did not celebrate his birthday. He wants him this weekend and I just realized it's only because it is father's day.

I will admit I lost my cool with him because he will not answer my calls and will only email me. He only wants him when it's convenient and I called him out on it. I told him that if he was not willing to do what needed to be done that he needed to step aside and allow myself and my husband to do what we have been doing but without his monthly visit or $70.67 unpaid monthly child support. He never wants to take responsibility for anything to do with my son. My son has ADHD and is experiencing some behavioral issues. I use to call his father and discuss this with him. But now he is telling me that it is my fault that my son acts this way.

He at first had his girlfriend email me back. Okay she is more of a calm person than he is. But then after he wouldn't leave me alone about this weekend after I already said yes (even though it is not his court ordered weekend). So I sent him a message letting him know that I had caught on to his game ( meaning only wanting my son on holidays) and that it was going to end that he deserved better than this. Letter that night I receive an email that when printed is 9.5 pages long. In this email he does all of the following. (the first few are dumb but enough to make me angry)

** Give me parenting advice
** Tell me I will never find happiness
** Reminiscing about when we were together
** Implies that I am not happy with my sex life and that I need to get laid
** Says my negativity is not allowed anymore
** Accuses me of being heartless
** Accuses me of beating my son and blaming it on him
** Accuses me of "Child Embezzlement" (His phrasing referring to child support)
** Threatens to have me arrested for "Child Embezzlement"
** Gives me a play by play of what would happen in court after my arrest.
** Accuses my mother of Child Abuse toward my son
** Telling his boss that I will call and try to get him fired and calling child support and letting them know there is tension and he is not getting his visitation so feels he should not pay support which got laughed at I'm sure.
** Imply's that I would have someone kill him
** Imply's that I will have my husband "beat him up" and then threatens to have him arrested causing him to lose his job as a Corrections Officer and be discharged from the Military.
** Imply's that I would kill myself or have someone kill me and frame it on him
** Threatens that if I don't leave his lifestyle alone I will lose mine.
** Demands that I speak to him with respect or he will not listen
** Gives play by play of what will happen If take visitation from him and says that when my son comes to find him he will turn him against me.

There is so much more but I just feel like that is enough. All through this email talking about how he is a good dad and how he has 3 children. Which is inaccurate, he has 4.

I responded to him about this weekend in response to the threat that if he does not see his son this weekend he will be on the phone with Franklin County on Monday morning.

I told him that I would allow it due to the fact it is Father's Day but that he will have my son home Sunday not Monday like said he wanted to do. I also told him for now on we will do things by the order and that he will get on the second Friday - Sunday and the fourth Friday - Sunday. Pick up at 5pm and drop off at 5pm. He must provide his own transportation and I will not send my son with anyone who is not on the order as to be picking him up.

He responds telling me I was threatening him and calls me a coward over and over and that he will not tolerate mt attitude towards him.

This is just some of the stuff that has been said. I have kept it mostly civil myself even after he did nothing but trash me and threaten me and my husband. I kept my response to the point.. But he will not stop. He has emailed 2 more times today.

I have all emails saved from now and up to 2009. He tried this once last year. But now it is much worse.

What can I do?


I just noticed the mistake in title and can't change it. ugh..

[AFFA]

I wish to inform you that if father is not following court order then father can be held liable for contempt of court. In this regard you can refuse father access to child other than court ordered child visitation. If father defaults in child support or visitation then you can inform father that he will be liable for contempt of court. You can also make an agreement regarding method of communication so that disputes can be avoided and have this agreement approved from court as modification of your child custody order.

AFF

[Friend In Court]

You need not heed any visitation schedule other than that ordered by the court. Usually Mother's Day is spent with the mother and Father's Day with the father and birthdays spelled out. You do not need to turn the child over to a third party, either, only the father.

Child support and visitation are two entirely separate issues that should not be entertwined. If his paying support timely is a problem, you can turn the order over to your state's support enforcement and let them collect and remit to you. That removes you from dealing directly with him and also assures there will be a record of his payments. Should it become necessary to collect should he become delinquent, they will take the matter up and press it for you.

If the demeaning of you and your husband can be documented, supported by affidavits, it may be appropriate to modify visitaiton to supervised visitation. You should seek counsel of your family law attorney or seek one out if you have not been represented to date. Bad mouthing the other parent in the presence of the child is very harmful to the child -- something that supervised visitation should eliminate. Visitation should be supervised by professionals and not a family member or friend, either.




From what you report, he sounds unbalanced -- mentally or emotionally. At the least, harboring a lot of anger.

[grim509]

Just follow the court order and keep saving the emails from him.

When responding, less is more. I know it's not your intent, but by telling him you may take him to court, you are egging him on. When dealing with these types of co-parents, less is more. Simply tell him that you are going to follow the court order from now on. Tell him that it is not your fault, and that if he is unhappy with the arrangements, then he is welcome to petition the court.

If he continues to harass you and disobey the court order, then file a petition against him, but do not inform him of it. Keep what you say to him to as little as necessary to get whatever needs said, said.

Email is a good way to communicate, as you can just click the little red "x" in the corner and walk away if what you are reading upsets you. Do NOT respond to him right after you read his mail if he communicates in that manner. Walk away, take some time and respond later, without re-reading his mail.

[Slnb73]

When it comes to responding to him after these LONG emails. I have kept it short and to the point. After the one stating all of the above. I just explained to him that for now on everything would be done by the order. However he has a twisted belief of what it actually says. Last year he tried to tell me that if I do not make sure he gets his visitation that I am in contempt of court that his only responsibility is to pay his child support of $70.67. Which he does not do. He owes 900+ in arrears. He use to make me drive 40 miles to meet him so that he could get him but I stopped after the last time he got mouthy with me. So he gets his family to come get him since he lives 2 hours away from me. And said that by doing that or meeting me in a closer location to me and once coming all the way here, was doing me a favor. He thinks I'm an idiot when in fact I'm quite far from it, but in his thinking me an idiot he feels I don't know what my order says. Everything is spelled out in plain English, because we did it all through mediation. So everything in the order he agreed to first.

[sandyclaus]

Originally Posted by Slnb73 When it comes to responding to him after these LONG emails. I have kept it short and to the point. After the one stating all of the above. I just explained to him that for now on everything would be done by the order. However he has a twisted belief of what it actually says. Last year he tried to tell me that if I do not make sure he gets his visitation that I am in contempt of court that his only responsibility is to pay his child support of $70.67. Which he does not do. He owes 900+ in arrears. He use to make me drive 40 miles to meet him so that he could get him but I stopped after the last time he got mouthy with me. So he gets his family to come get him since he lives 2 hours away from me. And said that by doing that or meeting me in a closer location to me and once coming all the way here, was doing me a favor. He thinks I'm an idiot when in fact I'm quite far from it, but in his thinking me an idiot he feels I don't know what my order says. Everything is spelled out in plain English, because we did it all through mediation. So everything in the order he agreed to first.

You BOTH need to realize that child support and visitation are entirely separate issues. One can exist without the other.

As long as there is a visitation order, you must honor it - but you only have to honor it as it is written.

As long as there is a child support, HE must honor it. If he fails to do so, you can (and SHOULD) file a motion for contempt with the court. If you haven't already done so, you might also consider working with a Child Support Enforcement Agency to help you collect those arrears. They will exercise whatever remedies are available to get the child support from him.