Ex-Wife... Would I need a lawyer to try and have the decree more fair?

[abrandt]

1st off this will be about my daughter, I currently get her 3 days a week on my days off which is awesome, I love every waking minute with my daughter.I would love to have her full time as I do not think my ex wife is in a mental state to really take care of her. She is bipolar but will not seek help nor go to DR to be tested for it. I did go to Dr and was cleared of any bipolar. The only Bipolor'ness the Dr said I could suffer from is from not enough sleep. But here is a bit about the ex -

Since Aug of 2010 I have kept every Email/VM/Text and even resorted to Video for issues with my ex wife. What she does is tries to make every situation out to make me look like the bad guy, She will do and say anything to make herself look good, I have literally over 100 emails and texts and VM where she just goes off and cusses me out, She will text my family members and cuss them out, My daughter NEVER wants to go with her when she pics her up. This has been happening for a year now at first I thought it was separation anxioty but trully my daughter does not want to go with her. Cries for me and my ex will call me 30 minutes later and my daughter is still crying for me. My ex wife will use my daughter against me all the time but play it off in ways so it doesnt look so much like it.

If I mention the word MOMMY my daughter starts to shake and looks so full of fear. It scares me. When it is my time I am on time every time to pick her up never once late and this has been going on for over two years now, My ex you never know if she will show up on time or decide not to at all. There is so many times I want to call and speak to my daughter but I don't due to the hassle I have to go through with the ex-wife. They only have her cell phone no house phone. But since Aug 2010 I have never cussed at her but have had to call the police on her to make a statement for record. even though she has a boy friend she is still so bitter that I wanted the divorce and kicked her out. My mother cut less then a 1/3 off her bangs two weeks ago just to keep the hair out of her eyes cause it was bugging my daughter. We are trying to let her hair grow out but I told the ex wife if it comes to a point where it bothers her I will trim or have it done. My ex wife blew off the handle and text-ed her saying If you touch my daughters hair again I will kick your *** and cut your hair, Said a ton of more that cannot be said in an open forum. but that is how she is she does not think before she reacts. She was kicked off the Volkswagen dealer ships car lot cause she cussed out the general manager.. so now that you have a general idea about the ex I need help in trying to get her to cool off chill out and be a responsible parent and grow up.. My daughter whom is two years old has more manners, self control, mental sense then the ex wife does.


If you want to know or need more specific info please let me know I need to know what to do, I would love to have some of the arrangements in my decree concerning my daughter changed to be more fair cause there is a bit that is really unfair.

For example, I bought my ex wife a nice ring for our wedding, Well about 3 months after the wedding she decided she didn't like it so she went out and bought a $5000.00 ring and in the divorce the Judge said she can keep it and I have to pay for it?? WTH...

I need some advise on what to do, Can I threaten her with court but not go? Would I need a lawyer to try and have the decree more fair? There is so many questions I have but no cash to get a lawyer at moment, I am a single father with a great Job I make great money but not much money to be frugal with. I will pay my ex so much in child support each month but she still constantly hounds me for money and says stuff like oh she has no pajamas, Or Snacks, etc... Here she has another daughter, a live in boy friend what the heck do they do with the money that is supposed to go towards my kid? Each week she has her nails done and every other week to month she has her hair done.. Well I tell her if you were a responsible parent go without or do your hair and nails your self. There is soo many things I have gone without for the sake of my daughter and that has never once bothered me. I will go without food for myself so my daughter could eat. But I am 40 years old, I have only dated once since my divorce and I am ready to meet someone too but I know my ex wife will try and ruin that too...

I could go on and on on this but will stop here for now.. How should I proceed with the info sofar.

Ps.. I made arrangements to have my daughter last night. I was supposed to pick her up at 7:30 but ex changed her mind and made plans but says if I want her I could pick her up from where they were. Literally it takes nearly 1.5 hours one way to get where they were. so I told her I couldn't by the time I was to get home it would have been way passed 11pm and what kind of time could I spend with my daughter then. She pulls stunts like this all the time.. I told her why would you make arrangements with me only to break them? never got a response.. They still live fairly far from me but that only takes 30 minutes to that house. But since then I have been getting random texts where she says stuff like "Dave's parents love Ayla, I cant believe you didn't want your daughter LOL" Trying to get under my skin and even though I just want to respond telling her off I have avoided that because she isn't worth the or waste of energy

[abrandt]

I would love to just have someone to chat with via messenger/skype etc to get this off my chest. If there is anyone whom just wants to chat and get this stuff off our chest blow off steam so to speak, Just message me..

[AFFA]

I wish to inform you that the court considers best interest of child as the main consideration and takes note of all the facts where interest of child is affected. The reason as to why child gets afraid from listening to the "mommy" may be informed to court. You may ask court to grant you sole custody. Further, in divorce marital assets are distributed as per laws of the State but generally equitable distribution is preferred. You can self represent your self and a lawyer is only required if you are not able to present your view point to the court. You may make an application to modify the court order. The application will be made in the same court which passed the original order as it has continuing jurisdiction. The burden of proof will be on you to show your claims. The court will consider all the facts and decide the matter.

AFF

[abrandt]

Prior to going to court, My lawyer and his staff had said this will be a tough one because the judge in question is known for favoring the moms in pretty much any situation. I agree I am not trying to get out of what I should owe or pay I would just like that what it is I am paying for to me more equal, She basically got off Scott free. When I asked her to move out, She took absolutely everything in the house, The only thing I was left with was my computer, a bed and a computer desk. No bed for my daughter, No blankets for my daughter to lay on, No pillows or sheets for the bed, No toilet paper not even a sporc to eat with and I brought that up with the judge and nothing was said or done. But I thought the household stuff was supposed to be 50/50? I have the pictures to show the house just empty..

But on a side note, In the last two years I have been able to acquire everything my house needed and looks and is much nicer then before. She is so jealous of that let me tell ya..she wanted me to fall to the ground and never get back up..

Even though she yells and cusses me out all the time, I have never resorted back to yelling at her or cussing her out, I figure it will bite her in the butt sooner or later..

I will work on the point I am trying to get across to the court, The main thing I want to bring up is how she is afraid of her mom and only wants me. Like I said before I thought it was just separation anxiety but after a year now and it still happens and seems or appears to get worse I want to think there is more too it then I am seeing and since my daughter is just now starting to really talk I don't think it will be too much longer before I find out what it is. But having said that is there a Dr I should take her too to see what their opinion might be? Maybe something like that could give me a stronger case, Maybe it will show it isn't just my opinion. I do not like my ex at all.. But I do not want my daughter not to see her mom or have time with her, But I would feel much much better with the saying of what goes on in her life. Heck her mom isn't even working now, She lost her job a few months ago.. But I do not think that will matter in this situation.

[goddessoflubboc]

A couple things: first there's a boatload of info there we just don't need, some ppl will see just the length of your post and walk away. Second, if your divorce is final, it's final. No point in rehashing it here bc it is a done deal that can't be changed. Third: are you seeking full physical custody? Because if that's your question it's the one thing you didn't talk about. Fourth: bipolar. It's not contagious, there's no blood test for it, and no doctor would compare it to a few sleepless nights.

To address custody. The court is going to want to know what has changed significantly about the Childs situation in her primary residence that would necessitate a move. Because status quo is where they like things unless there's a compelling reason. So the odds are deeply against you.

If she refuses you to have your child during your scheduled time file contempt.

And lastly, don't threaten mom with court if you don't plan on doing it. It's immature, and she'll call your bluff.

[abrandt]

I am not seeking full custody no, She has the primary residence and pretty much the say so in everything. Example, I have to have her on my Insurance which is no big deal but I have no say so in which Dr she is seen by. and here is the prime example of it that bothers me. The child's Dr is 20 minutes from her house. I set it up cause I kept asking her which is her Dr because her 2nd year appt was due and after about 4 months of asking still nothing so I set her up with the Dr. So she calls me up one day and says that the Dr is just too far away from her house and does not want to drive that far. Well IMO you should never put a distance on a your child's well being. I would drive 100 miles or more if I had to to be seen by a good Dr. And this Dr is part of the Phoenix Children s Hospital what more could you ask for?

Yes the Divorce is final that I am not too worried about, I am just generally concerned about my Daughter.My ex-wife thinks she holds all the cards, The problem is that since I am a single father and cant afford an attorney and she knows this and pretty much does what she wants. I am not threatening her with court I was just asking what if?? I am just looking for answers to questions.

The only reason why a lot of this was not hashed out in the original divorce is cause at one point in time I cut my finger off and they had me on Oxycontin, I would pick up my script from one place near work then other times I would pick my script up near my home so it looked on paper as if I was getting more then I should but was not, Took it as Dr recommended but the lawyer says it looked bad. So their Lawyer saw this and used it against me. To prove I was not addicted I had to do 3 months of random urine tests each week and after the 3 months was up not a single trace was in my body. So now that all has been cleared and everything she tried to pull is clean I want everything to be 50/50 But that still I am not so worried about, But Like I said before I am worried about my daughter, I am sick and tired of her games, I am sick and tired of her cussing me out for no good reason and want something done about it. All I can say is if you knew my situation you would be disgusted with her antics.

I gave my daughter a stuffed cat a few months ago before she was leaving and she loves this thing. I went inside the house as she was getting in the car and I got the ex on video throwing it out the window as she was leaving. I made my Daughter a DVD of her and I that she loves cause she has a dvd player in her room and the ex sends it back to me saying she isn't allowed to have that at her house. So you see what I am dealing with and why? That is just the tip of the ice burg, If you read the texts and emails and listened to the VM's she has sent me I swear you would want to punch her. I am in a horrible situation with her and most dad's I hear just give up on their kids cause they do not want to deal with it and I think that is a lot of her motivation but my child means the world to me and I am not going to give up on her. I will continue to find answers for the rest of our life if I have too just to keep the ex at bay and try to get her to stop her crap..

[goddessoflubboc]

So what are you trying to accomplish? Perhaps there's just too much info here for me to hash through, but I'm not really understanding your question? Most of what you've written is venting, there are plenty of forums for that.

I realize your title is a question but...the decree is done, no judge is going to reopen it bc you didn't get spoons or linens.

Do you not have joint legal custody?

If you could not post any more facts but just your questions?

[Friend In Court]

The things you mention, sifting through your long posts, appear to be a campaign of pettiness and actions prone to aggravate. If your daughter is exhibiting signs of fearing her mother, you will need independent evaluation and corroboration by a qualified third party, preferably a professional in order to go into court and change the custody decree. Also, presumably you are keeping a log of visitation breaches by the ex? And derogatory things she has said, verbatim, date and time, in front of the child? These are the types of evidence that are compelling if and when you go to court. Don't "tell", "show"! Exactly what has gone on.

Divorce decrees and property division are final. Custody, support and visitation are always subject to modification, however, until the child reaches the age of majority, 18 or later, depending upon your state's laws.

Get your act and evidence together and then petition for modification once you believe you have enough evidence to persuade a judge.

[path]

First off, message me anytime.

Second, Bi-polar seems to be the "new ADD thang"...everyone has it or wants to blame someones actions on it when in fact its just a lot of irresponsible people who dont want to accept that they are irresponsible for anything... so be careful tossing that around....
My ex was/is diagnosed with Bi-polar so I have a little idea what its like to live with one, and a good idea what your going through if your ex is indeed bi-polar.
When my ex was originally diagnosed with it her shrink insisted on meeting me, she figured I was either a saint or insane. Bi-polars marriages usually dont last 15 years especially unmedicated.... I ended up being neither saint nor insane but living with crazy does make you a little crazy too.

You seem to talk the talk so now its time to walk the walk or shut up and accept things as they are....your choice.
I cant tell you how many times Ive heard "...oh, Id do anything for my kids...", "...my kids are my life, my world, blah, blah blah..." but when push comes to shove the kids come out last, so put your money where your mouth is or stop whining.
IF your child means so much to you than do things right. IF your dealing with a manipulative Bi-polar ex than you HAVE TO do things right or she will screw you and your child around for MANY MANY YEARS.. your choice.
If you think your going to have a civil, normal or any type of a decent relationship with your ex IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Deal with it, accept it, and move on. Stop talking to her, stop trying to be nice to her.

Now to the point at hand. I will go on the assumption your ex really is bi-polar.
Save your pennies and get an attorney, get the meanest, most nasty attorney you can and make sure he/she does EXACTLY what you want them too. If you do not, than your ex wife will.
What do I mean by "EXACTLY"? Well let me explain. Bi-polars do not see "grey areas", they see only in black and white, therefore everything has to be spellled out EXACTLY for them. If you leave any room for interpretation than you leave yourself open to the whims of the bi-polar. I have specific times my ex can call and talk to the kids. They have a cell phone that I pay for, just so they can speak with their mother, They can call her any time they wish, they dont but they can. If she calls on any other phone at any other time she does not speak to the kids. When they are gone I use that phone to call them.
We have specific times and places to meet and exchange the kids. Our next visit my ex will be in my town at the local police station at 6pm, on the 29th. On the 2nd at noon I will be at her local police station to pick up my kids. We meet at police stations for a few reasons, one is, if shes not there with the children she knows I will walk straight inside WITH all my papers and have the police looking for her. Its all in the modification. EXACTLY as I wanted it.
My attorney had to re write the modification several times before he even sent it to her but we got it EXACTLY the way I needed it with no margin for error. My ex haggled over the wording, she wanted it to say joint legal and joint physical. Since I have primary custody, I got primary physical I allowed her to have it say joint legal, that part is just wording.
Your attorney will not like these specific details but make sure they are in there. The judge never questioned any of them.
Hit your ex hard at first. Tell her in the original papers that you want full custody, and you want her to pay child support, hit her just as hard as you can right off the bat with anything you can think of. It will scare her and it gives you room to negotiate.

As for your ex wife and how she "is" with your daughter. Not a lot you can do there either. I have found children are a lot sharper than we give them credit for. I have never spoken badly of my ex in front of my kids and never will, she does not give me the same curtesy, but it doesnt bother me. My kids know I will give them an honest answer to any question they ask. I provide them a safe drama free, constant place to live where they know they are loved and cared for. We have routine, rules and structure. Children do thrive on routine and structure. They call a visit with their mother "a trip to Disneyland Arkansas...." their words not mine.

Document everything. Get the police involved when you can. Keep the law on your side, and get a mean attorney. Do these things and you can save yourself and, above all else, you can also save your daughter.

p.s. if your planning on dating... forget it. Get your ducks in a row first with your child and your ex or your dates will run away screaming.... again been there done that....

[goddessoflubboc]

Your phrase that joint legal is just words - couldnt be further from the truth.

In joint legal custody both parents share decisions about the child’s upbringing. Both parents have to communicate with each other and come to a common decision on such issues as schooling, religion, medical care and housing.

If one parent chooses to make said decisions unilaterally they can be brought up for contempt.