Am I going to be penalized for a support order that never went through the DA?

My ex-husband and I have a 10 year old special needs daughter together. We split in 2003 and I was awarded 51% custody. When we divorced an order was put in place that I pay him $100 a month in child support (because I made more money) and he pay 1/2 of the daycare costs. In 2004 he decided to move out state giving me sole custody of our daughter. We agreed that he would fly back to California to pick her up for a 4-6 weeks at a time during school breaks (twice a year).

When he moved I stopped paying him the $100 support. This order was on our divorce decree but didn't go through the DA's office and being naive I didn't think that I needed to change the support order. In 2005 I re-married. In the summer of 2007 my ex decided that he was no longer going to pay 1/2 of the daycare expenses. Keep in mind, our daughter is autistic and cannot be in a traditional, free, after school program. Also, our daycare expenses are only $100 a week, which is VERY cheap, especially where we live.

My ex-husband was out of work for quite some time and so his mother began buying the plane tickets for him to fly out here, pick up our daughter and then fly her back. In the past 5 years I don't think that he has actually paid for any of the plane tickets. He was always a doting father, but these past 3 years he has removed himself more and more from our daughter's life. When she goes to visit him she spends the majority of the time at her grandmothers house. This past visit, she spent about 5 days/nights with him out of 6 weeks! He seems to not have time to see his daughter, but plenty of time to go on 4 vacations within 6 weeks. I on the other hand get to take maybe 1 out of town vacation a year...

I've finally had it, and have gained the courage to start a child support order against him. My questions are, am I going to be penalized for the $100 that I haven't paid him since 2004? If so, would he be equally penalized for not paying his half of daycare since 2007? Also, will the court be able to see that he hasn't actually paid for the plane tickets and take that into consideration or would that be a moot point since it was never officially ordered? Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

First off, anyone that hasn't followed the court order will look bad to the court.

OK having said that.... No, it doesn't matter who paid for the plane tickets as long as they were paid for. The court will not care that he didn't directly pay for the tickets. As long as he made sure they were paid for. To make that a point in court makes you look petty and unreasonable. What do you care who paid for it as long as you didn't have to cover the cost? Especially if it wasn't ordered.

Next, It sounds like you are not upset about the money and in the long run you are going to come out about even after you are ordered to pay your child support arrears from 2004 and he is ordered to pay 50% of child care since 2007. I get the impression that you are trying to punish him for not spending time with his child and money is all you can take him to court for. Maybe you don't like the grandparents and that's the real issue?

You can't force anyone to spend time with anyone. My question is... Does your daughter enjoy going out to visit and spending time with her grandparents. Does she come home happy and well cared for?


"He seems to not have time to see his daughter, but plenty of time to go on 4 vacations within 6 weeks. I on the other hand get to take maybe 1 out of town vacation a year..."


You speak about how unfair it is for him to get 4 weeks vacation each summer and you only get one an year. As a summer parent most people save their time off and money to do fun things during their time. While your upset about how much vacation time he spends with your child, I would bet that he gets upset about how much quality parenting time you get with his child.

I don't mean to harp and I'm sure people will have a say about what I said but re-read your post and tell me what are you standing your ground on again? (He should pay and you shouldn't or was it that your child should not get 4 weeks vacation if you can't go too)

If it really is important for you to have the 50% of the "VERY cheap" daycare covered then yes file your motion with the courts but be prepared to pay what you owe as well. The man gave you full custody and makes sure your child spends time with extended family on his side as well as time with him. Step back and think how what you posted will sound to the court and then do what is best for your child only you know the whole story.

Thank you for your reply. You do shed a different light on the situation. I believe that I may not have made some of my points clear however.

You said "...it doesn't matter who paid for the plane tickets as long as they were paid for. The court will not care that he didn't directly pay for the tickets. As long as he made sure they were paid for. To make that a point in court makes you look petty and unreasonable. What do you care who paid for it as long as you didn't have to cover the cost? Especially if it wasn't ordered."

I don't have any problem with his mom paying for the tickets. I had just read somewhere that the courts may take this into consideration when coming up with the support amount. I don't think that it would be fair for his mom to pay for the tickets and he get the credit for it.

You also said that it sounds like I'm not upset about the money. I actually am. I am living off of credit cards just to make ends meet. I've asked my ex to help out with money for our daughter, even just $20, but he says that he can't afford it. The last time I asked him to put some money in her lunch account, he said and I quote "this is your responsibility". He cries poor mouth, but then comes out and shows me his new I Phone and tells me about the new camera he bought. We struggle every month so when he tells me he can't help to support his daughter but can obviously fork up the money to buy the newest gadgets, I get pretty upset.

You ask "Does your daughter enjoy going out to visit and spending time with her grandparents. Does she come home happy and well cared for?" My daughter is getting to an age where she doesn't want to go visit. I have to talk her into it every time. Once she's there however, she does have a nice time with her grandmother (no grandfather in the picture). Her grandmother adores her and they have a really good relationship. I am extremely grateful for the love, and time that grandma spends with her!! I have a very good relationship with my ex husband's mom so there is no problem there.

I definitely didn't make my point clear about the vacation issue. My ex takes many vacations a year and I could care less. It's the fact that he took the 4 vacations WITHOUT his daughter while she was there to visit him. She was there for 5 weeks and he scheduled his vacations then. To reiterate, he took the vacations INSTEAD of spending time with his daughter!!! Now can you see why I'm upset?

I am not an unreasonable person. I work hard and take care of mine. I expect that a mother and father should share in the parental and monetary responsibilities of raising a child. If either one is not contributing equally to the child's well being, then they should be called out.

I'm not sure why it's so important to me that you understand where I'm coming from, but nevertheless here it is.