Advice needed for unwed mother

[Lovemybaby]

I am six weeks pregnant and my boyfriend has left me. We have been in a relationship for only 2 months but have known each other for years. He knew from the start that I would never consider an abortion. The first week, he was excited and told some people. This past week, he has told me that I have ruined his life and that he would be with me forever and then last night said that we will never be together again.

He has thrown out that he would sue for custody, that he is not the father and now that he is just a sperm donor.

I want our child to have a happy and healthy life. I hope that he will become part of the child's life. I want to have his name on the birth certificate for the legal reasons and so that should our child ever ask - there is a father.

What can I do or not do to make this the best possible situation for our child. I do not want to create animosity nor cause financial hardship - financially we are in this together and I want to do this 50-50 - I am a college senior and he is a construction worker. He told me that I was his meal ticket in the bad job market. I want to do what is best for our child but how do I do that if he has only hate.

[sunlover]

You have child and sue for child support. If he denies the child is his a paternity test will be ordered. Then a support/custody and visitationorder can be fille dout by Judge. You may think it ugly and it may well get that way. It will be in best interest of child

[Gbyte]

Or let him be a "sperm" donor". The financial hardship of no child support will likely be easier than paying for an attorney when he vengfully sues for 50/50 custody. Then of course trying to deal with him when the whole point of his "fatherhood" will be to punish you for filing for child support which you don't get any or much of anymore due to the 50/50 (or almost 50/50) custody and are out huge legal fees.

[Lovemybaby]

- would it not be better for him to submit to the paternity test voluntarily?
- if he voluntarily submits to the paternity test, can we reach a mutual agreement Don support or does the court automatically apply its formula?
- I have no problem with him ultimately having 50/50 - he is the child's father and should have that right.

Is there any way to keep the vengeance out of this - I know part of this is human nature - but I don't want our child used as a pawn. Is there any way mediation can be used to develop a win-win approach to this?

We are in California.

[sunlover]

Thank you for keeping a level head. Unlike th e earlier post I think Mom should pursue a relationship between child and Father her willingness to 50/50 custody proves that. You sound like you will be a great MOm who holds the childs best interest in high regards. If he willingly takes test or comes around and sign Birth certificate great. If not this child needs both his support and a relationship with child. Seek a paternity test if need be then support custody and visitation. This "will" be in child's best interest. The whole "vengence factor" is up to you and Father. If you make every attempt to keep it civil hopefully he will also

[Gbyte]

So you feel a father who wants NOTHING to do with the child and would sue for 50/50 only as revenge to hurt the mom if she asks for child support is a good "father" and should have 50/50 custody?

I disagree. And since there's a good possibility he may do this, I say let sleeping dogs lie.

Give the woman credit for wanting to comport herself in a mature, adult fashion and allowing the father of her child the chance to do the same.

Nobody said the man was a "good father". What was said is the woman sounds like she'll be a good mother. I agree, since she wishes her child and the father of her child form a bond and have a relationship, which can only be good for the child.

At least this woman has not been embittered by her experience and chosen vindictiveness as her path in all future experiences. That's rare these days.

Unwed Momma,

I have been in your shoes--pregnant and single and my heart goes out to you. It is not an easy situation to be in, what with the emotions (and hormones!) of pregnancy to consider.

My advice is this:
You are very early in your pregnancy, and while it is completely understandable to want everything planned out before the baby gets here, realize that things between yourself and baby daddy are probably going to swing the whole gamit of emotions. If you can, find a good friend, relative, whatever, to lean on for support and concentrate on having a happy, healthy pregnancy. I'm sure your ex is going through a lot right now as well, and it might not be a constructive time to deal with him and his prospective parenthood.

I have many other friends who dealt with this; some with positive outcomes with the bio dad, some without. Right now, however, the most important thing is you have a healthy pregnancy and concentrate on you. I remember having that same feeling of helplessness when I separated from my SD, and it slowly went away as I realized I couldn't control what HE was going to do, but I COULD (and still can) make a good life for myself and my child.

Congratulations and Good Luck!

[Lovemybaby]

Thank you all for your advice. This morning I texted him with a simple "Hey'. He proceeded to tell me that he had sex with one of his ex's to get back at me. He ended with "You better stop talking to me before something bad happens to you."

In the past, when he would get mad I would let him cool down and calmly talk to him but now that doesn't even seem to work. My mom has told me to concentrate on school and the baby and just let him be and we will deal with him later. She feels that he is trying to stress me to miscarry.

So I will wait and pray for the best. Again thank you for your advice.

That sounds like a definite threat. Have no more contact with him, especially not any initiated by you, for the remainder of your pregnancy.

He sounds like a very angry and self destructing person. It's best if you not try to contact him. His words, ambiguous as they sound, were threatening in nature. For your safety and the safety of your baby, steer clear of him.