Custody/Parenting Time

Hello~
My concerns are regarding custody and parenting time for my 14 month old daughter. I was in a very short relationship with my daughter’s father. The relationship ended before I realized I was pregnant. We were estranged during the pregnancy however he had indicated he wanted to be at the delivery and wanted to be an involved father. I notified him when I went into labor and he arrived just after the delivery. He had plans to travel the weekend following our daughter’s birth but called to inform me that he would like to pick her up the following Friday and return her on Monday (she was a week old). I was not comfortable with this arrangement and told him the reasons why. I offered that, initially, while I was nursing, he could come to my home, I could bring the baby to his home, or we could me on neutral grounds if he preferred for short but frequent visits. He insisted this was ridiculous. He didn't feel it was necessary to be supervised while bonding with his child. I assured him that this was just until I was able to pump and had established somewhat of a feeding schedule. He never responded. One week later, I was going to be visiting my mother in the same city he lives in and invited him to come over to visit for awhile if he would like (our daughter was only 3 weeks at this time) He contacted me the day of the visit (5 days later) and said he would like to pick her up for 3-4hrs. Again, I told him I was not comfortable with that arrangement. He again chose not to respond and did not show up for a visit.

Three months later I was in the initial process of arranging to have our daughter baptized. I sent him an email inviting him to participate or just attend if he preferred. I also extended an invitation to invite his family members and sent pictures of our daughter from birth thru three months. I did not get a response.
I work fulltime and have full medical coverage but knew I would be unable to pay the 30% co-pay for delivery so I applied for and received medical assistance for the labor. The county I live in brought a motion against the father for medical reimbursement and child support was included in this motion. Papers were received by both parties (myself and the father) approximately 6 months after birth. I heard nothing from the father from the time of my baptism invite to the hearing date, 9 months after birth. The hearing was continued because he contested custody. The hearing was scheduled two months out and I still heard nothing from him regarding the welfare of our daughter or request to see her.

At the second hearing he came with an attorney and a written statement of his unconditional love for his daughter and why he felt we should have joint custody. We were given the opportunity to try to come up with an agreement before appearing before the court referee. An agreement was not reached. He asked why I felt he didn’t deserve to have joint custody and I asked him how much involvement he had with his daughter and what kind of financial support he had provided. He responded with “ you won’t let me see my daughter” and “you never asked”. At this hearing he informed the court that he was now unemployed (previously he had an income of about $7500.00 per month). His request of me was to provide daycare for our daughter since he was unemployed. I stressed my concern that she was in as stable daycare with a consistent daily routine and I didn’t think it was in her best interest to pull her out for an undetermined amount of time, only to have to put her back in once he became employed again. What he outlined was essentially a parenting time plan for me. He would have her M-F and I could visit for dinner W night and pick her up on Friday night for the weekend. I would also pay him child support since I make more than he brings in from his unemployment. This coming from a man that required to be “asked” to provide for his daughter while he was gainfully employed, and lives in a half million dollar house. Needless to say, our case was continued because we could not agree.

On her birthday, I got a text from the father wishing our daughter happy birthday. He also requested to see her that following weekend. At this point she's 12 months and has never had contact with him. I agree and ask which day he would like to meet. He states maybe Friday but for sure Sunday. I tell him he needs to give me ample notice since I have other kids to consider. Friday night (6pm) he calls and says "todays not working but for sure Sunday". Sunday morning he calls to say he wants to pick her up at 1pm and have her back at 7pm. I tell him I have not changed my mind about being at the initial visits. Now it's due to the fact that she is well into the stranger anxiety phase and I don't think it's in her best interest to let him take her (she has never meet him) and go into an unfamiliar environment with people she has never meet (his family). He did not respond and did not visit with his daughter.

In an attempt to try to resolve this out of court, I retained a collaborative lawyer who set up a meeting for the three of us. The father refused to hire his own lawyer for this process. Stating he could not afford one. We met for 2 hour (paid by me) and 1-1/2 hrs. was spent working out weeknight parenting time that suited his schedule. My lawyer indicated at 1-1/2hr point that we should probably start talking about financial support. The father informed us that his unemployment did not pay his mortgage along with a whole list of financial burdens. My lawyer asked him what he would be comfortable with and he restated that he could not pay his mortgage My lawyer then stated we could start at guidelines and the father responded “no judge is going to order that. I’ll take my chances in court.” He then abruptly ended the meeting stating he was late for another appointment and requesting that I contact him to arrange weekend parenting time. I must say I was extremely angered by his actions because we gave him the benefit of the doubt by discussing his concerns first (parenting time) since he was unrepresented. This time took up much of the 2 hours allotted for and we “ran out “ of time to discuss financial support.

Part of the parenting time arrangement was that I drive one way, and supply our daughter’s basic needs (food, bottles, diapers and comfort items) which I did. One of the visits I drove 60 miles round trip to drop of our daughter and he was not home. I phoned and emailed the next day indicating that I was no longer going to put myself out by driving and supplying items he was capable of providing himself. I told him we could continue with the scheduled visits but until he could find some way to help support his daughter, he would have to do his own driving. I made it very clear that I was not denying him access but that I wasn’t in the position to provide for his parenting time while fully supporting our daughter and maintaining my household of 4 (I have 2 other children).

After our three way meeting, my lawyer advised that he did not think the father was going to be forthcoming with his ability to provide financial support and that I should proceed with the scheduled court hearing. My lawyer notified the father that this was my intent. I served and filed the paperwork and paid the appropriate filing fees in the designated timeframe. I did not hear from the father again until the morning of his next scheduled visit indicating he was sick and needed to switch days, which we did. The following day I receive an email (in the third person) which I felt came from a third party and not him referring to himself in the third person. The email stated I did not show up for the scheduled visit, that I had violated the terms of our agreement for all of the proceeding visits ( I forgot a comfort toy for one of the visits and a snack for another), that I was now getting in the way of his ability to visit with his daughter by not providing transportation and I was using child support as a reason for not letting him visit with his daughter, along with many other unfounded accusations. This was two days before our next scheduled hearing. The evening prior to the hearing he shows up at my door serving me papers that had not been properly filed with the court and should have been served on me 14 days prior by a third party. He handed them to me stating “better late than never”. He provided the judge the paperwork the morning of the hearing not giving me the opportunity to respond to his motion. Once again, he had an attorney with him. I was Pro-Se. The motion was full of lies, accusations, and incorrect assumptions. The judge took the Motion but didn’t commit to accepting it into court. One thing that the father said in his motion that I would love for the judge to read is that he was denying back support because based on the budget I provided; I wasn’t in need of support. I’m a single mother of 3 with an income of $38,000. My boy’s child support helps to absorb the cost of raising his daughter but he doesn’t see it that way.

So we had the hearing and now we sit and wait for the order. The father requested a court evaluator which the judge said he would grant. Not sure about that process? I think he went through it with his ex-wife.

The father has since requested weekend time again so I provided him with a temp schedule that I was comfortable with until the order is filed. He responded one week later (after missing the Sunday that he had requested) stating he gets stressed from my email communication and didn’t immediately read my email but was looking forward to seeing his daughter the next day. I told him that was no longer possible because it was Labor Day weekend and after not hearing from him, I made other plans with my family. I told him we could begin the weekend schedule the following weekend. He responded by saying he wanted to see his daughter one of the three day of the holiday weekend and that once again I was preventing him from seeing her. I simply responded that I’ve been very accommodating but this was short notice and I wasn’t going to change my plans.

Finally, my questions are:
1) What are his chances at getting joint custody granted? He has been an uninvolved parent and has seen his daughter a total of 6 times since birth. The last 4 visits taking place within the last month. He didn’t initiate a Motion for custody and didn’t request it until after the child support Motion was filed.
2) How should I handle parenting time prior to receiving the court order? The agreement we initially came up with was a temporary schedule (1 month) that involved transition time for our daughter. Gradually increasing in duration (which he feels is unnecessary) and was not completely adhered to. His scheduled is constantly changing and he expects me to be able to accommodate for each of his change requests.
3) He has never paid child support. Am I obligated to provide transportation and my daughter’s basic needs? I have an older car with 200k miles. I can’t afford the wear and tear the 60 miles puts on my car, nor the gas. Also, I’m required to rush from work and pick her up from daycare in order to get her to his place timely. He’s currently unemployed but has other resources and the time and he’s driving a three year old car.

Ps. He has joint custody of his two teenage children from a previous marriage if that matters.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I felt it necessary to give background in oder to receive a accurate response.

Thank you for you time.

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What a crappy situation.

See if you can get him to agree on a limited schedule with NO child support and him to provide transportation. If you're not on public assistance, you can try. Not all courts will agree to it though.

If they don't, you may be able to have the child support put on a debit card and give him the card and code to get his money back. While I fully think both parties should support the child, it's a-holes like this who play the estranged parent that DO often end up with joint custody. Sometimes "freeing" a man from child support will free the parent who really WANTS to be a parent, to be one. It will likely be worth it in the long run.

This is the second time I've seen advice like this. The mother cannot "free" the father of child support. That is up to the courts to decide. And it's very, very rare they do such a thing. This is because BOTH parents are responsible for the financial rearing of their children. The money, I'm assuming, has already been used to financially support the child, so giving him back any money is going to now be a financial strain on her. That's the last thing she needs.

Besides which, this solution, should it happen, does not necessarily free the father from retaining his legal rights to his child(ren). He gets out of paying, and then, two years later, he's filing for custody of the child.

Just because people act like "a-holes" doesn't mean they aren't financially obligated to support their own children. Letting them off the hook only enables them to believe they can go through life always getting their own way. The child deserves to be financially supported by both parents so the rest of us don't have to.

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The mother CAN do whatever she wants with the money - even if it means giving it back.

The courts WILL sometimes agree to reduce or lower child support if both parties request it and public assistance isn't involved.

Letting a man who doesn't want the child unless money is involved get 50% custody to get OUT of that obligation when he doesn't want the child to begin with hurts the child. The way the courts are...if the father of your child is an a-hole...I strongly recommend not requesting child support. Because you COULD loose custody.

I understand your point of view, but giving money back that is ordered by the courts to go to the rearing of the child is really counterproductive. Hypothetically speaking, I suppose she can give the money back, but at what cost to her and the child?

The courts may agree to reducing child support but rarely will the condone cutting if off completely. From a legal standpoint, a child born to two parents is entitled to be financially supported by both parents.

He really isn't getting out of the financial obligation if he financially supports the child while the child is living with him. Children, no matter which parent they live with, require financial support. Who the child lives with primarily will end up paying more money in the long run for the financial upbringing of the child than the parent paying child support.

It's irresponsible to not ask for child support when both parents created the child. It is up to both parents to financially support the child, regardless of thinking only in terms of one's self in fear of losing the child to the parent who is only seeking custody to "get out of" paying child support. He really doesn't get out of anything. He still has to financially support the child.

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You may think it's irresponsible. But I think it's irresponsible to give parents that had no interest in the kids until money was involved joint, 50/50 or full custody. Pick your evil. Support your child by yourself, or have the child live part time with a parent that doesn't want them. I'd pick the first.

Once again, I understand your point of view. But taking the adults out of the equation in who wants to hurt whom the most, the CHILD is entitled to the benefit of BOTH parents legally and financially supporting their own children, regardless of the situation they allowed themselves to get into.

A vast majority of fathers do not get "50/50", or "joint custody" anyway, so why should they not support their own children?

If you can, however, financially support a child on your own, go for it. But still, both parents should support their own children.

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The world is changing...the courts are changing. Fathers that fight for custody win shared or sole more often than they used to. Even when they only file to avoid child support (as long as they don't tell the judge that).

If it's worth that risk for the mother to collect $40-$80 a week, go right ahead.

"Fathers that fight for custody win shared or sole more often than they used to."

Please share with us the source of this information. Making broad sweeping statements such as this, a person should be able to back them up with facts that support it.

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There are plenty of facts and studies. You may google it.