IS FATHER USING OUR SON AS A PAWN?

[mbrunsell]

June 26, 2009
(MY SON) came inside from being outside with his friends and stated that he would like to go back to his dad’s. (He was having issues with his friends) I told him that we can’t always run away from our problems. I asked him, “what if your dad is not home?” He replied, “Do you want me to call him?” I said, “No. If he is not home, I will bring you to your Grandma’s.” I brought him home at 9:30pm. His father was home.

On my drive home I received a voicemail from (FATHER) at 9:23 pm stating the following, “Every time I call you do not answer my calls. Every time. I am going to remember that from now on when you call to talk to Tim. Uh, Tim will not be being picked up Monday by you and I do not know when he will see you again. We’ll have to get some visitations set up. That’s pretty messed up that he wanted to call me and (MY HUSBAND) told him no he could not call me. This kind of **** is now backfiring in your face. Goodbye.

I called (FATHER) back at 9:44pm and explained the situation. I told him that I had my ringer off. I asked if it was still ok that I pick (MY SON) up Monday because he had a Degraaf Nature Center activity that I signed him up for on Tuesday. (Which he previously knew because I sent him the confirmation with all of (MY SON'S) summer activities by 1st class mail) He stated I could still pick up (MY SON) . He said he did not know that (MY SON) was sleeping on the couch in the living room. He wanted to argue. I told him these issues are for the court to decide. I then told him I was done talking, to have a good night and said bye.

(FATHER) called back once again at 9:45 pm saying “Pretty messed up how you just played me off while I was trying to talk. Don’t even try to pick up (MY SON) Monday or anytime until you get some parenting time set up through the court.”



MY QUESTION - - IS MY SON'S FATHER USING OUR SON AS A PAWN?

(VISITATIONS ARE LIBERAL)

[BByte]

Actually you are both being petty, and if the visitation that is set up is not through court, you may as well go ahead and set it up, as without it there can be no accountability between either of you? Pick your battles, this isnt one of them

[Gbyte]

Do you have a schedule? Abide by it. If the son wants to go home, you say tomorrow - or whenever the schedule changes. Stick with it for a while. Don't let the child make the rules. If you have a schedule that says you do pickup on Monday, you do pickup on Monday. You don't ASK the ex. You are giving him the power - and he will likely flex his muscle.

At some point, you will want to offer flexibility. Typically, whenever custody has to be decided by the courts - one or both parents are using the child as a pawn. We can't make that judgement on your ex. We aren't there. If you want support or advice, that fine. But to ask a group of strangers to side with you and essentially accuse the other parent of using the child as a pawn is a little wierd.

Custody issues are hell.

A better title would be "father is using son as a pawn" - and then give a little more of both sides. We all often need help trying to learn how to deal with separate parenting. There's no handbook and all situations are unique. You have more perspective into your situation than we ever will.

Listen to BByte on this one, and not Gbyte. If it were a man making this post the comment would have been completely opposite.

[Gbyte]

You're odd...my advice would have been the same either way.

I do see now the "visitations are liberal". Who is custodial parent per the courts? The father?

If you don't have a fixed schedule - you can show up for pick up on Monday. But if he doesn't send him out, you'll likely need an attorney.

You definately need a fixed schedule. I must have skimmed the first read.

[BByte]

"visitations are liberal" seems to me to mean that nothing is court ordered...sounds as though the two of you are at the point now where there needs to be that structure.

I agree it sounds like you all unfortunately need a court order to give rules and structure to your interactions.

BBG

He's using your son as a vehicle to vent his anger and resentment towards you.

If there is no court ordered custody, you might want to look into that. Otherwise, these types of battles are going to continue.

Originally Posted by Gbyte Your odd...my advice would have been the same either way.

... A seven year old would know you are flat out lying. And it is "You're odd..." not "Your odd...". Sorry, but bad grammar annoys me, as do lies.

Originally Posted by Gbyte You definately need a fixed schedule.

Yes, because it is just stupid to let a child see both parent's liberally. A child should only see his or her father once every other week. That is it! We all know that a child's life is better if the mother has custody and the father sits around like simp, waiting to be "allowed" to have visits. We also know that it is better for parents to fight light children, rather than have unity like adults. Bottom line is minimal visits and mother should have final say and control... did I get it right Gbyte?