regarding over night stays for my son

[lionel]

Hi, im from england so not sure if the family laws are the same over here, basically i have an 8 month old son, i split from the mother a couple of months back, i work through the week so find it difficult to see my son, so ive requested that he stays over on weekends, but she refuses.. she says 'he's too young' 'he needs his own bed'.
im just wondering if the courts will see these answers as gospel and go in her favour? i dont understand what exactly he is too young to do? if he's too young to sleep my house.. is he too young to sleep hers? i just dont get it. im realy confused. she also goes out on the beer on saturday nights, and her mum minds the baby.. shouldnt he be safe with his dad? would the courts take this into consideration?

i am at the beginnings of legal advice, but wish for someone to help me or give me some sound advice.
it would be greatly appreciated.

[Gbyte]

It's more like to young to be away from the primary caregiver very long without risking messing him up. When a young child see's mommy go (or primarycaregiver - but I'll stick with mommy as it is the majority), he thinks that she is never coming back. When it happens over and over an over again (for long periods of time), it can create something called an attachment disorder - one of my nieces suffer from this. Do 4-6 hours every Saturday and/or Sunday if she'll agree (offer to give up one sat and sun EVERY month at her request - as it would really suck to loose all weekends). You wouldn't likely get court ordered overnights at 8 months here (US)...but courts are changing...sometimes unfortunately so...

Take it up a notch after a month or two for 6-8 hrs Sat or Sunday. Then maybe try a Saturday late overnight to early Sun Morn. Like Sat 6pm to Sunday at 10am.

If you express understanding of the situation - and try to find a gentle way to transition to an overnight (don't tell her this is your goal...just gently lead up to it with your actions), the mother will be more willing to work with you. Be patient and understanding (even if you don't have a clue)!!! Mothers have a tendancy to guard their young It's a nature thing.

Every weekend - at least for me is something I'd NEVER agree to. Handle work and school (or diapers at this age) all week and give the child to the other parent for the "fun" time. But some parents do go this route.

I wouldn't push for 2 overnights until say 18 months of age. Don't know how the courts over there feel about it.

I'll get slammed by the men's rights men about mothers guarding their young. It's OK. I don't mind.

i understand what you are saying and if i truly thought she was doing this to 'guard' her son, then she may have a case. the thing is, she doesnt, she goes out on the booze sat nights comes home approx 4am with random blokes. personally as a father, it think this is unsafe for my son. i have asked her for just one overnight stay, she refuses everytime. the thing is. my son shows signs of seperation anxiety when i leave him, we have a strong emotional bond and i worry that this will be broken.
I do see him saturday daytime and i have to take him home sat night, then pick him up the following morning and return him sunday night. but is this ideal for a small child? to be picked up from a warm house, out into the cold, into a car, out into the cold again only to go into a warm house, then after a few hours back into the cold into a car then into the cold into a house..... only to be repeated again the next day? it just seems like alot of pulling and pushing which in my opinion i seem unreasonable.
But none of this will matter in court? do fathers actually get a say? or is it just what mother says go's? please reply

[Gbyte]

The courts will have final say if you can't agree. Not mom's way...not dad's way...the courts way.

Ask her for a late pickup/early return. Say even a half an hour before bed - to be returned at a time she names - the mens rights guys will pop in soon screaming about your rights and court...they think high conflict between the parents to get "equal access" is the best for the children. I think working together is best (though sometimes not possible). I feel for you on the drinking and random bring homes...my ex does this too (my daughters father) - the courts here DON'T care.

When parents aren't togther, the bond a child has with BOTH parents is lessended to some degree. The question is, should it be lessened drastically with both (broken frequently for long periods)...or somewhat with one (frequent shorter access) and to a lessor degree with the other primary caregiver. It's a tough issue when so young. You may check with your local courts - see if they have a "standard" parenting plan. See what it says about the age group (babies) if it is specified. They may or may not support overnights. You COULD end up with less, like 6 hours every other weekend- (since you stated weekdays don't work well) if you push the issue with courts. Try to figure out the standard for your area. Talk to other single fathers there.

[lionel]

yeah ill check about the parent plan. ive been told i cant get less as we've already established a routine. she wants me to bring him home at 7.30pm but i bring him bk at 6-6.30 (dependin on what time he has his mid afternoon feed) the thing is.. bringing him home half hour before his bed time, isnt fair on him. he';s been used to me all day, used to my house, atmosphere, the smells of the house ( not sayin my house smells!) then to take him home where everything is so different half an hour before bed time.. he need s time to settle.. i have asked her for a stay overnight where i bring him home after his breakfast in the morning, she just refuses... i just seem to be bangin my head against a wall with her! its just all so wrong. ok thanks very much for your replies... just one more question.. if she says things like..'he's too young to sleep out' or 'he needs his own bed' can i ask her to prove this?? i just dont want the case to be judged on theories... i want it based on facts. the thing is i can prove that he doesnt just need 'his' bed

[Gbyte]

Well...there are really no "facts". There are guesses, studies, averages...but every baby and every parent is different. Have you asked to pick the child up LATER then return in the morning? Instead of all day - all night and the next morning. He's too young to sleep out can only be judged by the child. If you reassure her you will check in when the childs asleep and contact her if there is a problem, maybe it will ease her mind. Pick up a crib - even a porta crib if you don't have one.

I know you question her motives...but if she goes out until 4 in the morning - who babysits? If she's comfortable with an almost overnight babysitter, ask to "babysit" and give her a night off.

It's not "fair" for the whole generation of children currently being raised in separate households. Little about separate parenting is "fair". Some say 50/50 is fair...I say to who? Every case is different. Few cases seems "fair" to everyone involved.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[tbyte]

No, that is complete bull. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to take your child for an overnight.
Calling the mom the "primary caregiver" when you are just as interested in caring for him is nothing but nonsense. Separation anxiety is also a lame excuse for denying children a relationship with their father. Suppose he gets separation anxiety from you when he is at his mother's house?
Stop "requesting" permission to see your son from his mother. Go to court and get a legal right to co-parent, or you will forever be under her thumb and subject to her whims.

[tbyte]

Originally Posted by lionel yeah ill check about the parent plan. ive been told i cant get less as we've already established a routine.

You've been told more nonsense. You have not established a "routine" with an 8 month old child, and there is no reason the schedule cannot change now, or as the child gets older.

[Postman]

Tbyte

I will side with you on this one for a different reason. It is better to suffer seperation anxiety at 8 mo. than 80 yrs.

If you want a well adjusted child adjust yourself first. There are always bumps and bruises, thats life learn it young.

[Gbyte]

Originally Posted by tbyte No, that is complete bull. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to take your child for an overnight. Calling the mom the "primary caregiver" when you are just as interested in caring for him is nothing but nonsense. Separation anxiety is also a lame excuse for denying children a relationship with their father. Suppose he gets separation anxiety from you when he is at his mother's house? Stop "requesting" permission to see your son from his mother. Go to court and get a legal right to co-parent, or you will forever be under her thumb and subject to her whims.

"primary caregiver" is not who is interested in providing it...it's who's providing it. He likely should go to court at some point - and yes...to me it sounds like the baby should be ready for an overnight - but the local schedules may not allow that. That is why I encourage him to check the schedules - and work with the mom. Hopefully he gets one soon.