Massachusetts Visitation

[Reina]

I have read numerous threads on how people want to see their kids but their ex won't let them, or they are going to court to be able to see their kids, or their ex is abusive so they don't want their kids with the ex, or whatever....

What about when the ex refuses to cooperate with visitation? Can I go to court to enforce it? Everything I hear points to "you can't MAKE him go see his kids".

The thing is this. We have joint legal custody of two children, and I have physical custody. This is Massachusetts. Frankly, I'm not even sure what physical custody entails. They live with me. They do everything with me. I am the one that takes them to various school functions, to school, to the doctors offices (they have issues), to the library, you name it, it's always me.

He pays child support every week--although, for some reason, it's never the court-ordered amount, sometimes less, or even sometimes more, so I'm always bouncing a check or two.

Almost every night, he shows up at my house for about 2 hours. This is after he has gone to his place after work, showering and eating. He comes to tuck in the oldest (7), who in easier times developed an aversion to falling asleep alone, and prone to crying if dad isn't there to tuck in.

Then it's out the door.

I never know what time he will show up. Or if he even will.

The child support isn't enough. It's the sole income. Now before the haters get cranked, can I just say something?
My youngest is one. Doesn't sleep through the night. I'm LUCKY if I get 4 hours of sleep every night. There are some nights when I get zip. This has been going on since day one. Like I said before, we DO see doctors. We're working on it. But in the meantime, I am barely functioning. There's no way I could think of getting a job while being so sleep deprived. (It was easier before he became an "ex".)

So now, I'm in the hole, money-wise. And time-wise.

My question is, can I make him more responsible for his children? Why is it that he has to come here? Can the court make him get a place that is suitable for children to stay in? Right now he is renting a room and sharing a kitchen and bathroom with 3 other working stiffs. I'd really just like even just one night a week to SLEEP. And then down the road a bit, I can finally get a job. Is it unreasonable to want him to watch his kids while I work? Why do I get the feeling that "I'm crimping his style" when I ask for 4 hours to go cashier?
Can I ask for more money? If he's making a big deal about how "he has to work", and "it's not my fault", well, if he wants to work so much and not want to deal with the kids, then shouldn't we get just a little bit more? I'm the one doing all the childcare. Not to mention, he does not buy a single thing for them. Except on birthdays, he'll buy a little toy. He can chip in too for formula and diapers, right?

I'm turning into a rant, and I so didn't want that. Sorry.
I don't know how else to ask my question.

[tbyte]

Your ex is not cooperating with visitation?
Why are you not insisting on the visitation schedule? Maybe you can't make him participate in the visitation if he can't or won't, but you can definitely stop him from interupting your life at times when he does not have visitation.
Honestly, this is at least partly your fault for allowing it to continue to this point.
Let him know that he has visitation during his visitation time, and only during his visitation time, and that if he does not participate in visitation then he cannot make it up later.
If he does not have a residence where the children can stay overnight, he can take them for the evening and return them before bedtime. But he should not be exercising his visitation at your house, and he definitely should not be showing up every night at your doorstep.
But...for sanity's sake, do not tell him this as if you are ordering him around. Just tell him the truth: you need stability and a predictable schedule.
Regarding your other issues:
Is he paying his support directly to you, or through a Child Support Enforcement Agency? It should be deducted directly from his paycheck.
He is not responsible for for formula or diapers, etc, except when the children are with him. The child support is supposed to cover this.
You are coming down very hard on him for being cheap, and I can understand why, but if he is sharing an appartment with three other people then I'm thinking he is not swimming in cash.

[Reina]

Child support is paid to DoR who then passes it on to me. Honestly I can't figure out why every week I get random amounts. Of course I am going to call. Hate talking to them though. Last time I called, about a month ago, for the same reason, and the person I talked to was like mad at me for asking about it and said that it would work out in the future. Huh?

I have asked him before to take the kids. I've tried asking, pleading, telling, crying, writing, threatening, nothing works. I think he just doesn't care.

When we set up child support for #2, the woman (who was representing DOR) told me that visitation can't be enforced.

That means, sure, I could go back downtown to the courthouse, sign some papers, and then they throw them in the trash?

I'm confused. How come kids usually end up with the mother? Why can't they just live with him and I'll go visit them there? He's the one with all the money.

So anyways. I guess I'm stuck.

[Gbyte]

You don't want custody of your kids? That's just....odd.

My ex didn't cooperate with visitation for well over a year. No...visitation can't be enforced. I tried too. He told a friend the reason he wouldn't take his daughter was because he didn't want to give me the chance to have another man in my life. That he wanted to date and have fun and thought it was my job to stay at home and raise his child alone. Then he got mad at me and sued me for custody to get back at me. Still waiting on the results of the case...

Offer him custody if you really don't want them - then you can pay him child support. If he won't take full custody, do you have any friends or family that could help? This is really sad.

[tbyte]

What lucky kids.

[Reina]

Why is that so odd, Gbyte?
I love my kids. What I can offer is not enough. Is that wrong to recognize that I can't give them what they need? Love does not put food on the table. I have no skills, no way to get ahead, or even break even.

Maybe they wouldn't be living in the Taj Mahal if with their father, but at least he doesn't think, do I buy milk, or do I buy diapers. Now, the other thing, that I'd love to discuss the legalities of in depth, is that likely he would send them to live in his home country.

Which would be great! He already has a house. Their half-brother is there. It's a lot cheaper. It's not like I'm not their mother anymore. Why am I arguing this. Why is it always the mother's responsibility to just asssume custody? Took two people, didn't it?

[Gbyte]

If you didn't want to raise your kids you shouldn't have had them. Also, if a man doesn't want to raise kids he shouldn't do things without protection.

These poor kids have two parents who don't want them. Times suck for jobs...but YOU can work on 4hrs of sleep a night. You CAN find an hour or two to take a nap. You ARE making excuses. You don't have to have skills to work at McDonalds, or even sell TV's at the local appliance center. You CAN get a job. You CAN get ahead.

I feel such sorrow for your children.

Maybe you are suffering from depression and need to see a doctor. This is really NOT normal. Think about it. Go to a local agency that supports families...maybe you can find some help.

and there IS state assisted childcare that is FREE to allow you a break, time to look for a job and then WORK!