Shared custody, mother isn't doing her part

My kids (ages 13 and 14) are not getting the proper care when they go to their mothers house. We have shared parenting and equal amounts of time with the children. I recently found out that they are sleeping on the couch and/or floor at their mom's house because she has taken over their rooms with storage from her new boyfriend. My daughter doesn't even have a bed because my ex sold it! In addition to the room situation, my ex doesn't help them with their homework, doesn't make them take showers or brush their teeth, and makes my oldest cook dinner for the family every night. My ex also has recently had a baby with her boyfriend and makes my 14 year old daughter watch him by herself!! What can I do? I feel stuck because I feel there isn't much I can do with a bad parent. I want sole custody but my county always favors the mother and has made it very hard on me. Help!

Well, you could try a couple of things. Are you on a 2/2/3? Week on/off? 4/3?

1. Make sure your kids know why it is important to practice good hygene (point to the school social aspect).
2. Try to get them involved in extra curricular activities. Offer to be the transporting party. If they have, say basketball practice, run them to your house after to have them shower. Ask if they've got their homework done yet - offer to help real quick before they go home if they haven't. The activities should boost their self esteem enough to improve hygene (and hopefully school work) at her home as well. If they are already in activities, ask to take over the transport role.
3. Explain NICELY to the mom that you know she's been going through a lot of changes and offer to keep the kids a day or two extra per week/cycle (whatever fits in your schedule) to "help her out".
4. Ask if there is anything else you can do (whether she refuses or accepts the above). Explain that understand one of your children currently sleeps on the couch and offer to assist (ie - try to find a new affordable bed - maybe sink some money into it even if that seems unfair from your standpoint). She may state she doesn't have room...then you could inquire what happened. She states they have too much stuff, tell her you could help find a storage company if that would help - I know it would SUCK to offer these things...but it may avoid an ugly court battle.
5. Thank her for taking the time to talk to you...even if you DONT feel thankful.
6. Influence them the best you can.

If you try every route to improve the situation (without trying to tell her what to do - this will backfire) and your children are unhappy, you may try to seek a modification. Their opinions will come into play a little more each year they get older (to the courts).

Be nice - no matter how hard it can be sometimes. I think this is the number one thing most people overlook.

Thanks for the advice. I try my best to be nice to her, we didn't have a horribly bad split, I just get so frustrated sometimes. I see the kids suffering and although I suggest more on their part (especially with the hygene) I can't help but to feel like if I have to be the parent in both homes I should have full custody (not just shared). Right now our schedule is every two days and everyother weekend. I'm constantly put in the position of the "bad guy" for being the only one who disiplines. Them being teenagers and all, I am afriad that she will let them turn out to be unruly kids no matter what I do. On top of having shared custody the court makes me pay child support, and obviously if I'm pitching in as much as I am I know it's not going to them.

Well...you could ask if she'd want to switch to a midweek overnight every week. Instead of two overnights - make it one and expand her weekend a bit. It wouldn't be a huge change. The benefit for her would be she'd have a regular day to have them...and she'd have more time to devote to her changing family sceme (as much as that point likely makes you cringe). Say something like this:

I know you've been going through a lot of changes and so have the kids...to help you get settled, how about for the next three months (say until January), instead of continuing with two overnights every week with the kids, how about one overnight and then a long weekend? (ie Fri-Monday morning before school) on her weekend? You could reason that this only would reduce her time by one overnight and would break it up a bit to give her a little more time to get settled.

Mention that if she wants to switch back sooner than January she just has to say so. Don't set a specific date unless she asks. Then...come January, if she doesn't request a change back...continue on. I know it would suck to continue having to pay child support during this. Come 6-9 months of this schedule, if she hasn't asked to resume the old schedule...ask if she'd be willing to drop the child support say $20 a week (start small) since you guys have continued the schedule. She what she says. Go from there.

If she refuses...shoot for the extracuricullar activites to start with...

For example, I just got off the phone with my kids and they have a D in one of their classes because she doesn't make them do their homework when they are at her house (All zero's when they are with her but not with me) and when I confronted her with the situation she told me she felt as though they were doing good enough for her. I can't convince her otherwise without looking like the bad guy. MY ex relays everything I say to her to the kids and I feel as though they resent the fact that they have to do work while they are at my house.

No..you definately won't be able to convince her otherwise. For the kids, try to make homework fun. Make a reward for completing it. Say...if you both get your homework done quick...we'll run to the park. Or...if you do your homework by 5pm each day your with me, we will go to the movies this Saturday. Nothing wrong with rewarding good behaviour. If you say get them interested in a sport say...you know, if you can pick your grades up a bit....you could try out for the (insert sport here).

Give them a goal. Something to shoot for. Say...if you up that D to a C...You get a $20 Walmart gift card. If you up it to a B...$40 gift card. Mid term increases get 10 and 20 rewards - An A.... We will see! You can't convince the mom to get them to work harder...but rewards and goals might make THEM work harder. Take breaks if they get an attitude. Say...let's go for a walk. Want to help me with *** for a few minutes?

And of course try for the "temporary modification" of parenting time. Wait a while if you just broached the subject of grades...Maybe two weeks.

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My ex is the same way. No homework gets done at her house, so when the kids come back here they are up till 10 pm doing make-up work.
She simply does not care about their educations.
But, unfortunately the courts will not care about it either, so your chances of getting a change in the parenting plan base upon this are very slim.

Believe me, I have tried bribery when it comes to their homework but it is just at their mom's that they don't do it. I don't get to see them everyday to make sure it's done and if I call my ex wife says I'm invading on their privacy. She isn't the nicest person to deal with, even though we had a pretty clean break. My new wife has been helping the kids non stop by tutoring them in all their classes but it doesn't seem to help. They are at the age where they know they can get away with it at their mom's and they are taking advantage of it and unfortuantly she won't disapline and it puts me as the bad guy.

Maybe try short term rewards. IE - get your homework done for a week (EVERYTHING turned in) and you get to draw from a bin of rewards (little slips of paper) or earn an allowance. For the girl, you could have lip gloss, powder, body spray, $5 Walmart card etc.

Bribery is - I'll give you $10 if you promise to get your homework done all week. Then giving the $10 hoping they will follow through.

Rewards are - if you do you homework ALL week, THEN you earn a $10 allowance/reward.

threat - If you don't get your homework done everyday then you won't get your allowance.

At least that how it was explained to me. Rewards obviously work best.

I'm afraid rewards and trying to be a positive influence may be your only option right now (unless mom would agree to a voluntary modification). Try not to harp on the kids about it and compliment the smallest efforts.

I think failing a grade may be the only way the courts may get involved. Not even sure there.

i just have a question. im 16 and basically my father is one of those dead beat good for nothing types of fathers who doesnt like to own up to his responsibility so basically he doesnt see me or send money for me or .. care for my existance...and my mom...shes ****ed...i have told her many many times get child support...i even beg her...remind her at work...like shes the most iresponsible person ever...shes not getting the amount of income she would like meaning when she gets money she uses it for bills and food ect... i feel like no one cares ... how can i get the child support if i cant is there any way i can get it into her thick skull that im not being like materialistic i need money.. i deserve it.