Victim of PAS

[Voo]

I found out about parental alienation syndrome and I want to know what I can do to stop my kids from being victim to it.

My ex-wife turned my two children against me and I spent so much time and money only to be forced to back away and leave them alone for the past 6 years.

Now the kids have contacted me and want to get together. They are 15 and 14 now and realize that they were manipulated to say untrue things about me. They have apologized for saying those things and they have admitted that they were not true and that their mom and step dad were the ones doing the hating.

Six years ago, their mom and step dad had them make a video accusing me of calling them names (names that I was surprised they even knew), saying that I beat them with the buckle end of my belt and that they hated my guts and never wanted to see me again.

My ex asked me to stop seeing them and to give them some space. She said that she didn't feel right accepting my child support payments and she started sending it back to me every month.

For the first 2 or so years I would call every few weeks to see if they had changed their minds, but she would tell me that nothing has changed. I was afraid that they would start saying that I did even worse things like sexual abuse and things like that.

I already had bad experience with DCFS indicating me for physical and mental abuse based on the kids and my ex-wife's untrue testimony and having to fight and spend a lot of money in court just to get to have visitation with them. When that finally smoothed out and I had just bought a new bigger house so the kids could have their own rooms, it started again with the accusation and the video.

Now my ex is wanting me to agree to sign an order of agreement and says that it will keep both of us from being in contempt of court for not following the visitation orders that the judge gave the last time. She also says that it will make the visitation decisions to be just between the kids and I and that it would take her out of the picture. She said that the kids want the flexibility to not have to see me every other weekend like the order says in case they have more homework on a weekend or something.

I'm very skeptical of it. She has started keeping the child support too now. I want to know what I can do. I'm very upset most time and I want to sue her to teach her a lesson, but I don't want the kids to get hurt. Also, my wife and I have two toddlers to think about and that don't deserve to get hurt or to even have a lot of the drama.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. What would you do in my shoes?
Thanks for any help.

[tbyte]

Don't sign a damn thing.
There is nothing you can do about the past. You can't sue her for PAS. If you feel the need for vindication, know that she has permanently and irrevocably damaged her relationship with her children. And frankly, the best way to run that in her face is to be the parent who, now and forever, puts the needs of your children first and refuses to use them as a means of hurting the other parent.
There is something you can do about the future. You can cherish every moment you spend with your children, and you can teach them how to behave in a dignified manner that respects other people. And, you can tell your story, as fact and without bitterness, to try to keep this same thing from happening again in your community.
Be motivated by the need for change, not the need for revenge.

[tbyte]

I should clarify...you cannot sue her for money for PAS. It is possible that you could use PAS to get extended visitation with your children, or even shared custody. You would need your children's cooperation though, and you will have to decide whether a court case is worth the time and the effort (it could take two years to get a ruling).
The fact that she wants you to sign some bogus document shows that she knows she is in the wrong here, so perhaps now is the time to negotiate from strength.

[Postman]

Dont agree with anything except the judge.

I suffered PAS, only then it was called PAB

Parental Ass Beating

I buried them both, after years as their caregiver.

[Voo]

Thank you very much for the advise. I know that you are right because my heart tells me. Sometimes I can still get wrapped up in my anger and pain and start thinking crazy about how I can get back at her. All I really want to do is give my kids a chance to know me and to see me doing the right thing.

I don't plan on signing anything, but I'm afraid that if I don't move on it now, I won't be able to get joint custody. In fact, I'm not even sure that I want joint custody because I don't know if it would actually do any good. I know the kids are curious about me and I think I would like to just start building a relationship with them before I go stirring up trouble.

Feels like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. On one side I want to build a relationship with my kids so that they know I'm not the bad person they've been told I am. On the other side, I know that my ex is still hell-bent on controlling the whole thing.

Is joint custody really going to offer me a bigger slice of the influence pie, or would I be better off leaving things as they are legally, not to stir the pot, and let her have control until I have won the kid's confidence? Perhaps then I would have a better chance to enlist the kids in a custody/visitation battle. They are 14 and 15 and seem to have pretty good heads on their shoulders, but she still has a lot of influence over them and isn't afraid to use every means at her disposal.

[tbyte]

Maybe you should go for custody, even if you aren't eventually successful.
It may mean something to your kids to know that you fought to be a part of their lives. And if you win, it may give you additional time with them.