This is a last resort...

[bingobango1]

Alright, I'm not going to go into details here but if you need more information to properly answer let me know and I will give those to you through email or PM.

First off, I'm in Canada, 18 years old, and my girlfriend of 15 months is 17.

Her mom is abusive, but not in a way that is easily detected. Child services have been out to the home several times and each time everything has been denied. I myself have never called the authorities, but I'm told the people who did were witnesses themselves, though I'm not sure to which degree. Each time, as I said, everything was denied and nothing was done. I'll give a couple examples here....

We were trying to do something on, I believe it was, a Sunday afternoon. Most likely just hang out at one of our houses and watch a movie or something, though I don't remember for sure. My girlfriend was not allowed to do anything. She became upset, moreso when no reason was given, and a ordinary mother-daughter screaming match ensued. Except it escalated, and I was called asking to come and get her, as my girlfriend was intending on leaving home and not going back. On the phone, I heard her mom come into her room screaming, and then the voices became distant, though by no means inaudible given their volumes. I later learned that the phone was thrown onto the bed as her mom had come into the room. In this conversation, my girlfriend was repeatedly called 'stupid', 'worthless', told she didn't have any friends, that nobody in the world 'gave a ****' about her except for me and that I was worthless. She said I didn't have a job, that I didn't have a penny, and that I was worthless. The first two were quite literally untrue as I was working full time and had a reasonable amount saved up in the bank. When she told her mom she was a *****, her mom responded, '*****? Look in the ****ing mirror, girl'. After the argument, I heard her mom pick up the phone and beginning to push buttons. I quickly hung up as I did not want her to know what I'd just heard. Moments later I received a call from her, and she was speaking a completely calm and reasonable fashion. She said that my girlfriend had been having a bad day, had thrown a temper tantrum when she didn't get what she wanted, and that it was best if I just let her be for the day and didn't call or see her until the next day. She said that all she wanted was for her daughter to be 'safe, healthy, and happy', and that she would do anything to achieve this. A direct contrast with what I'd just heard but, intending at the time to go the authorities, I didn't say anything. After speaking with my mom and my girlfriend I ended up not going to the authorities, and, at both their insistence, letting it be.

Another example, this one more recent. We had gone to a movie, her curfew had been set to about 15 minutes after the end time of the movie(her living 15 minutes from the theater). This was around a holiday, though I can't remember when exactly. I'll talk to my girlfriend in the morning, she usually has a better memory of these things. While we were on our way to the movie her mom phoned and asked to pick up a bus pass. We had just gotten her mom her present for the holiday, and I spoke with her mom and said that we would. I was at this point tight for cash and couldn't afford to pay for it, and my girlfriend was also unwilling to pay for it as she didn't think she should have to, given her mom receives child support and my girlfriend is rarely bought new clothes or anything like that. After the movie I went to drop her off, with her moms present but no bus pass. She went downstairs to give her mom her present, while I waited upstairs before saying goodbye and heading home. Within a minute her mom was yelling at her because the present was late. A minute more and it was for not getting the bus pass. I heard my girlfriend scream 'Ow, mom!', and at that point ran down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs my girlfriend, about 5'3 and 110 pounds soaking wet, was being pushed hard against the chest freezer, and hit in the body by her mom who is very heavy and about 5'7 to 5'10 by my guess. Her mom was right in her face screaming at her. When I got close to the bottom of the stairs her mom backed off, and, not knowing I was there, continued screaming. I stayed where I was, knowing at that point I would only make it worse later by intervening. My girlfriends little sister, 11 at the time, yelled from the stair above me, 'mom, stop it! stop fighting!'. Her mom looked over and saw us and told her little sister to go to her room and said it was best if I left. She was still clearly angry but was somewhat more calm and it looked like she was done screaming, though they continued arguing. I led her little sister upstairs to her room, where she cried that they were always fighting and she always had to listen to it. I calmed her down and played with her for a few minutes until she was feeling better. I then told her she should go to bed, got her into bed, said her mom should be up to say good night soon, and, having not heard any yelling for about 15 minutes, I let myself out and went home. About a half hour later I received a call from her mom thanking me for taking her sister upstairs and cheering her up. Again, two faced.

These are the two main incidents I've witnessed, though I have seen her short temper on other occasions, but not as bad. I hear about these incidents several times a week. Not usually physical to my knowledge, but always very verbally abusive. As I said, I can give more details on life in that home if necessary. Needless to say, my girlfriend feels like she is in a prison and is very unhappy. She's not allowed out on weeknights, forced to babysit her little sister and other people's kids most Saturday nights, and works 2 part time jobs. Sometimes she's asked to get a shift for a certain day, sometimes told she's not allowed to work a certain day, whichever is convenient for her mom. I don't think that this is something any child should have to live with. I live on my own and would be very able to support myself and girlfriend, and willing. However, under Canadian law, I believe I could be charged with kidnapping if she were to come live with me. Are the things I've witnessed enough to get her out of that home, is there a way to get her living with me(not necessarily our first choice but something we've seriously considered in the past and would do so again)? She is very worried about her little sister. Her mom is in poor health and having surgery which will leave her bedridden in a couple months, at which point my girlfriend will be expected to essentially raise her little sister, go to school and work two jobs. She currently has no house key. She is not allowed to have a cell phone, though we have managed to get her one that works for texting. She doesn't have her drivers license at this point, but is taking a test in the next couple weeks. All input to this one is appreciated, as I'm at a loss but am tired of watching this happen. Thanks

[able1]

Maybe you should suggest they attend counseling or ask your local social services offices to arrange some kind of counselor for her to speak with. Or perhaps school staff?

It may help if she can start to tell some authority figure about her concerns.

[bingobango1]

The last counsellor she saw about it spoke with both parties and decided she did need to get out of the house. He began exploring the options but found that, other than taking it to court, there was no way to get her out of the house without her moms permission. As soon as her mom figured out which side the guy was on, she wasn't allowed to go see him any more.

And the ministry of families and children has been out there numerous times and nothing has been done. The reason I'm posting is that if I call them again or some other authority and they go investigate, speak with her mom and everything, and then decide for my girlfriend to remain at the house, the situation will immediately worsen. I'm wondering if what I've witnessed would be enough to get her out.

Frankly, any legal action that could be started would require more than a year to resolve anyway, by which time your girlfriend would be over 18 and the whole issue would be moot.