REUNION FIGHT

MY SON'S ADOPTED PARENTS ARE REFUSING TO LET ME SEE HIM BECAUSE THEY THINK I ALLOW HIM TO GET INTO TO TROUBLE. HE ALREADY HAD PROBLEMS BEFORE I CAME BACK INTO THE PICTURE, NOW THEY ARE BLAMING EVERYTHING HE DOES WRONG, ON ME. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO FIGHT NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE HIM???

How old is he?

Legally, once you relinquish your parental rights or have your rights terminated by the state...you no longer have ANY rights as the child's parent. Legally, you are an unrelated stranger. The only exception to this was a recent court decision based on a preexisting relationship of a mother and her eight-year-old that developed prior to the adoption. That was a very unusual circumstance and thus a very unusual court decision.

If your son is an adult, all decisions are his, but he still may feel an indebtedness to his adoptive parents and nt want to hurt them.

If he is a minor then his legal parents - in this case his adoptive parents - have control. If you push, they can be awarded a restraining order against you and have you legally ordered to stay away. In this case, because of their claims, they might attempt to have you charged with corrupting the morals of a minor or somehow being a bad influence on him.

I would suggest EXTREME CAUTION until he is an adult. I would strongly recommend that you back off, LOVINGLY. That you let him know that you are not backing out of his life, that you love him...But let him know the situation, legally...WITHOUT blaming his adoptive parents!

The final part is equally important. You must put your son's needs first and foremost. He is being pulled in two directions. You do not want to be party to his being put in the crossfire of dual loyalty. Studies have indicated that children survive divorce well; what they do no survive well is their parents' fighting and feeling they have to CHOSE one over the other.

In divorces, the parent who disparages the other often finds such tactics backfire; the child will dislike the one who peaks badly about the other. Children are smart and they will figure out who the "good guys" and "bad guys" are on their own.

If he is a minor, you have no choice but to back off and wait until he turns 18. Even then, if he still lives at home with his adoptive parents, it will be difficult. You might be able to maintain phone and or email contact.

However many mothers who have lost children to adoption are not able to establish a relationship until the child is married, or in some cases not until the adoptive parents have passed away.

Enjoy knowing that you have met him and know where he is, etc. Some mothers do not know that much. I also encourage you to join Origins-USA.org, a national non profit that advocates for mothers' rights and keeping natural families together. The vast majority of our members have walked in your shoes and will be able to commiserate and offer on-going advise and support.

Mirah Riben author and Vice President of Communications, Origins-USA.org
Advocate Publications